My friends, do you toss and turn all night, or wake up in the morning with aches and pains? These are the signs that you need a new bed. I am Don Corleone, founder of Mattress Godfather, the capo di tutti capi of the Five Families of Mattress Retailers. At Mattress Godfather, you always get the best deals in the Tri-State area, but this weekend will be extra special. The Corleone Family is going to the mattresses against the competition: Barzini’s Sleepworld, Bernie & Phyl Tattaglia’s, Carmine Cuneo’s La Cozy Nostra, Victor Stracci’s Rest in Peace — they all have it coming, and you the customer will pocket the savings! There hasn’t been a price war this brutal since Joey “The Sandman” Gambini put Vinnie “The Big Sleep” Ciccarello out of business in the Columbus Day Sale of 1952.

Serta, Sealy, Simmons Beautyrest, and so forth, Mattress Godfather has the top brands at deals so low you’ll think you pulled one over on the Mob, which, of course, does not exist. You want a fancy Tempur-Pedic, like some pezzonovante? We’re expecting a shipment of Tempur-Pedics any minute. What’s that, Tom? My consigliere tells me that we just got an unexpected truckload of beautiful top-of-the-line Sleep Number adjustable beds, much better for your back than Tempur-Pedic, and we’re selling them at rock bottom prices.

How did it come to this? Why has the Mattress Godfather sworn vengeance on the other Mattress Families, as well as their associates from as far away as California and Kansas City? Let me tell you a story about an orphan who came to this country from Sicily, who believed in the American — Fredo, do you see I’m doing a commercial? Where did those waterbeds come from? Well you can send ‘em back to Moe Green! I don’t care how they do it in Vegas, a real man bangs his gooma on dry land!

Where was I? Ah, yes. There was once a time when the Five Mattress Families were allies. We took an oath to preserve our mattress thing, so that it might live on for our customers and their children and children’s children. But then somebody went an’ massacred my boy at the toll booth. Why, madonn’, why? Because the Mattress Godfather dares to offer a free bed frame, delivery and haul away of your old mattress at no extra charge! That’s right! Shop around and you’ll see that not one of the other Mattress Families will provide this service for free, not one. And for this, they turned my Santino into Swiss cheese.

Don Barzini has the nerve to say that this tragedy that has befallen my family is my own fault, that I have all the bed frame suppliers and haulers in my pocket and refuse to share them with the other Mattress Families. When have I ever refused an accommodation, except for one time, one time, when I chose not to make my trucks available during the Bed Bug Epidemic of 2011? Because I believed then, as I do now, that bed bugs will destroy us. This isn’t like the innocent vices of the old days, the phony coil counts and the 200 percent markups. The mattress police looked the other way then, but this is different. Bed bugs they must enforce.

My enemies sent Johnny Fontane, that Hollywood mamma’s boy, to beg me to come to a sit-down, as if I am the one who perpetrated the bad blood between the Families. “Godfather, please don’t slash prices any lower, I’m afraid of a Mattress War!,” Johnny cries to me like a little girl. But the Mattress Godfather is done with talk. I believe that my competitors are men of honor (and women, ‘scuse Dona Phyl). I’m a forgiving man. But I’m also a superstitious man. And if some unlucky accident should befall my son… I’m talking about Michael — Fredo they can do whatever they want with… if Michael should suffocate under a pile of goose down, or be impaled on an improperly discarded bed frame, then I’m going to blame the heads of the other Mattress Families. And I solemnly remind them now what a difficult job it is to remove horse blood from a $13,000 silk/wool/Alpaca-blend, ultra-plush Kluft pillow-top. This is not a stain that can be Shouted out.

But enough unpleasantness! This is a Mattress War for the ages! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime chance to make your bones on unbelievable deals like this: All Stearns and Foster queen-size Dreamland memory foam models are just $899, including free bed frame, delivery and haul away! Ask La Cozy Nostra to beat that price and see what happens. I guarantee you won’t leave their showroom with all your fingers. Come into any of our twelve la famiglia-friendly locations this weekend, choose a luxurious new bed and we’ll even pay the sales tax! Remember, that’s Mattress Godfather — “Prices so low, they sleep with the fishes.”