“A Texas state agency told its employees this month that they must dress in a manner that is ‘consistent with their biological gender,’ a directive that seemed to be a thinly veiled attack on transgender employees.” — The Guardian, 4/25/23

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In order to keep our workplace running efficiently, we strive to create a professional environment. One in which every employee takes pride in their work and appearance, and also openly makes it clear if they have a pee-pee or a hoo-ha.

Acceptable workplace attire for men:

  • Slacks, khakis, or corduroys with the zipper “accidentally” undone
  • Dress shirts tucked into the pants, firmly lifting your balls like an athletic cup
  • Any formal shoe made of reflective material for routine urinal inspections

Acceptable workplace attire for women:

  • Blouses with high necklines to conceal cleavage, yet patterned to outline your areolas
  • Knee-length skirts or dresses with ruching that resembles your labia
  • Pants ONLY permitted if made out of paperwork from your last gynecological exam

Unacceptable workplace attire:

  • Open-toed shoes, which draw our attention away from the job we are all here to do: observe our coworkers’ private parts
  • Shorts, jorts, or skorts, or other any item of clothing that reveals your thighs. Instead, opt for a cropped dress pant that prominently displays a symbol illustrating your biological sex.
  • Tattoos. And do NOT get that biological sex symbol tattooed on your ankle. Our HR representatives are former face-paint artists and are fully prepared to draw vaginas and dicks all over our employees’ bodies and faces at the start of each workday.

Our company is committed to maintaining a professional atmosphere. Please remember that what you wear correlates to how much we value you as an employee and how likely it is that you keep your job. This is why anyone caught violating the dress code policy will be subjected to a two-day suspension and a public pantsing.

Please sign below to acknowledge that you have read, understood, and are ready to comply with our rules. Remember, your signature is a promise that you, like us, prioritize professionalism in the workplace. To demonstrate your commitment to civility and manners in this place of business, on the back of this contract, please attach a photo of your junk.