“Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick blamed Friday’s massacre at a high school near Houston in part on ‘too many entrances and too many exits’ on the campus, prompting some to mock his perspective as ‘door control.’” — CNN, May 19, 2018

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Folks, thank you for letting me speak for a few moments about the recent tragedy in Texas. I stand before you wearing my shotgun-patterned necktie to offer my thoughts and prayers to the victims of this horrible event. I also offer all of my powers as lieutenant governor of this fine state to finally do something to end all of the senseless violence in our schools. There is only one path forward. We must remove the doors from every building in this state and then burn all the doors in a giant pyre. That is how we will keep our children safe.

What’s safer than a room with four walls, a ceiling, and no point of entry or exit? Safer building design simply does not exist. And, don’t worry. We’ll be sure to punch a few holes in the ceiling so the children can breathe. Under the new designs my office is proposing, school buildings in this state will only have a single point of entry: a five-foot-by-five-foot chute in the ceiling of the gymnasium that will be open for ten full seconds at 7:30 a.m. and then re-open for ten full seconds at 3:00 p.m. Students can slide down into the chute and climb out of the chute without fear of being attacked by a gunman. Once students are inside the school, they can feel safe knowing that they are trapped in a hot, concrete box for the next seven and a half hours.

Without a door to access, the sort of dangerous person who committed last week’s atrocity will be rendered completely ineffective. These unstable people need doors to carry out their crimes. Take the door out of their hands and they’re just an unhinged person holding a military-style killing machine. We have to pass legislation immediately to control the buying, selling, and use of doors. Simply put, we must limit the access people have to doors. Only trained, qualified people should have the ability to put their hand on a doorknob. This isn’t rocket science, people.

Every single tragedy throughout the course of modern human history has resulted from someone walking through a door. Doors are the gateways to death. 100% of murderers have at one point or another opened a door and walked through it. So what are we doing sitting around when the data is so clear? We’re the only country in the world that puts so many doors in our buildings. Why do you think we also lead the world in school-related shootings? I’m done ignoring the evidence. Doors must be removed from the equation if we want our children to be safe. I am hereby ready to push through any piece of door control legislation that crosses my desk.

I’m even willing to go one step further and also support the banning of windows. Windows are just doors waiting to happen. Our data shows that the second most popular way to enter a building (after using a door) is using a window. I am ready to be the bold and progressive door control advocate this state needs at a time like this. How do you stop a bad guy with a door? You remove the door and leave the bad guy locked out. Or I guess they might theoretically be locked in, with the children. Oh, no.