Take one sip of water for every time a bartender offers you a “mocktail.”

Take two sips of water for every time a bartender offers you a “faux mocktail” and you refrain from pointing out that it would then be a “cocktail.”

Throw a glass of water at the bartender for every time the “faux mocktail” turns out to be ginger ale and cranberry juice.

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Eat one mixed nut for each of the following words or phrases the hostess uses to describe the wine you brought to her dinner party: “interesting,” “unique,” “unexpected,” “fun,” “attractive label,” “clever name,” “saving for later,” “touched you tried.”

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When someone insists that vodka is flavorless, eat a cheese cube.

When someone insists that they don’t feel as hung over after Jamison’s as they do after a Long Island Iced Tea, eat a wedge of Gouda.

When someone insists that they act exactly the same way whether they are drunk or sober, grab their ass, bellow “I LOVE YOU, MAN” into their face, and then smear Brie all over your body.

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For every time you ponder what your tipple of choice would be, give yourself one light face slap for “Tom Collins” and two light face slaps for “Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.” Dunk your head in ice water if you think, “Whatever Maggie Smith has on Downton Abbey!”

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For every time you’ve congratulated yourself on what a great thing you’re doing for your health by abstaining from alcohol while at the same time eating a bag of dark chocolate M&M’s, have another bag of dark chocolate M&M’s.

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If someone says, “How do you do it?” while frowning and holding on to your wrist with concern, eat a baby carrot.

If someone says, “Why don’t you do it?” while frowning and tapping you on the chest, eat two baby carrots.

If someone says, “What is wrong with you?” while frowning and backing away, stab them in the eye with a baby carrot.

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Give yourself a hug if you have ever done any of the following:

  • Begged a bartender to put a tiny umbrella on a glass of tonic water
  • Pre-tipped a waitress a $5 so she will not identify yours as the “virgin” when distributing drinks.
  • Stood in front of your full-length mirror, swaying, with a martini glass in your hand, just to try to imagine what it would be like
  • Consoled yourself by developing a very complicated Frappacino order at Starbucks.
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Give someone else a hug if you have ever done any of the following:

  • Tried their $15 cocktail only to spit it out across their shirt while yelling that it tastes blucky.
  • Summarized a Reader’s Digest article on the dangers of alcohol to someone currently drinking alcohol.
  • Attended a bar’s craft beer festival and repeatedly told other patrons that beer “tastes like liquid bread” and “who wants to drink bread?”
  • Explained that the best hangover cure is to avoid drinking entirely to someone who is hung-over and in need of a cure.
  • Repeatedly brought all conversation about wine tastings back to the spit buckets.