“President Trump told reporters on Air Force One that his proposed border wall would have to be “transparent” to prevent Americans from being struck and killed by 60-pound sacks of drugs tossed over from the Mexican side.” — Washington Post, 7/14/17

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It’s not easy being a single mom. I don’t get child support — no one knows where that good-for-nothing ex-husband of mine even is — and I have to juggle work and the after-school schedules of three overachieving kids. I don’t even have time to date.

But my biggest concern about not having a man around the house is security. Sure, I have an alarm system, but the kids accidentally set it off all the time, so we only really put it on while we’re on vacation. We also have a dog, but Skippy is 12 now, and probably doesn’t have enough teeth scare to off any burglars or rapists. And we’ve all heard the horror stories — it can take the police forever to get to you just when you need help the most.

So, what’s a mom on her own to do? If you’re concerned about safety, like I am, you invest in fail-safe protection: a catapult and some 60-pound bags of heroin. Sure, at first I was dubious about having a catapult around the house, but after hearing all those stories about drug dealers killing people by launching bags of drugs over the Border Wall, I figured it might be worth learning more. I was a little nervous; I’d never handled a catapult or a bag of drugs with a street value of $3,600,000 before. But I decided to go to the Catapult Show to educate myself, and boy, am I sure glad I did.

Turns out my trepidation about having such a powerful weapon in my home was totally silly. As Sam, an exhibitor at the Catapult Show explained to me, catapults don’t kill people; people kill people. It makes a lot of sense — a catapult doesn’t just launch itself! Most of the deaths occur from black market catapults, not catapults bought by law-abiding citizens like me who just want to be safe. Best of all? I didn’t even need a background check at the Catapult Show. So quick and easy!

A lot of people who aren’t knowledgeable say that we shouldn’t be selling catapults willy-nilly. However, if you really start to ask them questions, you’ll see that they don’t understand the difference between catapults and trebuchets. Trebuchets can fire many more bags of drugs per minute, so those libtards — a word Sam taught me — think that only police officers and military should have them. But we all have a God-given right to use whatever type of bag-throwing device we think will keep us safe from thugs.

Some well-meaning-but-ignorant friends also expressed concern about my kids. Did I have a catapult lock? What if my kids wanted to show off for their playmates and hit someone in the head with a bag of marijuana? First of all, marijuana is much too bulky; I only use heroin. Second, my kids just know not to touch my catapult. Yes, I keep it loaded with bags of drugs in case of home invasion, but what’s the alternative? Dying because I’m trying to heft a 60-pound bag into the catapult while some rapist/murderer breaks down my flimsy bedroom door? I think not. Besides, kids who grow up with catapults learn to respect catapults. The National Catapult Association has the statistics to prove it.

I couldn’t be happier with my decision. I was hesitant to get a catapult, but now I realize just how much safer I really am. In fact, I’m going in next week for my Concealed Trebuchet license. If something bad goes down, you can count me on me to be the good gal with a catapult. I can’t wait!