To: Alabama English Department Listserv
From: Commissioner Oliu
Subject: If It’s In the Game, It’s In the Game
Megamen and Megawomen,
In 1958, American physicist William A. Higinbotham was bored. Granted, the majority of people in 1958 were bored, considering Roy Campanella had been injured in an automobile accident, robbing men and little tykes alike of his Hall of Fame skills, thus leading to multiple exercises in boredom, such as the creation of the “peace symbol” that we now associate with awful music, the kidnapping of World Driving Champion Juan Manuel Fangio by Cuban rebels, the creation of the word ‘aerospace’ (dumb), the opening of the first International House of Pancakes (great), and the annexation of Alaska (sad).
Higinbotham, who was the Head of the Instrumentation Division at Brookhaven National Laboratory,1 decided to find a way to entertain himself on those long and lonely Upton nights by attempting to simulate a game of ping pong on an oscilloscope. Amazingly, this display (titled, “Tennis for Two”) was actually funded by the U.S. Department of Energy as a way to promote atomic power. Many consider “Tennis for Two” to be the pre-cursor to Pong, and the rest, as English 101 students say, is HISTORY.
This, of course, brings us to this past weekend, where upon witnessing an epic 8-8 tie between both University of Alabama English Department Football juggernauts, EA Sports CEO Peter Moore (he was the one hiding in the 1996 Bonneville near the jungle gym) has agreed to buy the exclusive rights to the UAEDFL brand in order to release the first ever UAEDFL branded videogame (the 1994 Atari Lynx game, BJ Hollars and the Infinite Balloon Castle was not an official UAEDFL release) to be called UAEDFL ’10 and will be available in November on all major game consoles including the TurboGrafx-16 and Philips CD-i.
WE ARE SO EXCITED TO PLAY WITH OURSELVES.
I have received an advanced beta copy and it is one difficult game. I’m talking Terminator 2: Rise of the Machines-arcade-game-difficult. Here are some Nintendo Power Pro-Player tips:
1. Avoid the anthills and sod-staples! They will cause your health score to drop rapidly! Also, don’t make any sudden movements or else you’ll get a groin pull and rapidly lose speed and interest. Ouch! Also avoid bottomless pits.
2. Win three games in a row to unlock DK and Paintball mode!
3. Entering ‘IDDQD’ will enable you to enter ‘God/Ryan Browne Mode’ where all your attributes are quadrupled! Also, enter ‘Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, BA, Start’ at the title screen to unlock multiple outfits for John Wingard!
4. Nick Parker couldn’t be in the game due to contract disputes with the UAEDFLPA (University of Alabama English Department Football League Player’s Association); however, a player with his likeness named ‘Rick Barker’ is included and he is just as fast!
5. Blow the whistle to drain the fountain so you can acquire a POWERADE (with B vitamins) to replenish your life lost from your two-day Larry Ross birthday party liquor hangover!
Come get 8-bit with us this weekend:
SUNDAY AT 10:30AM
15TH STREET/QUEEN CITY PARK
Your Princess is in another castle which is certainly not anywhere near Tuscaloosa.
− The Commissioner
1 Located on Long Island, NY. More proof that Higinbotham was extra bored, as there really isn’t much to do on Long Island with the exception of going to see Debbie Gibson and Eddie Money with opening act Pat Benatar at Nassau Coliseum (not a real coliseum).