“We must journey forth,” commanded the good Wizard Byroncorn to Luanne Wyldsmith, the graceful ager and chosen one, user of hyaluronic face potions and seeker of bargain discounts. “Why do you dally so?”
“If we wait until tomorrow’s pay period,” replied Luanne Wyldsmith, “I can use my membership card points to book our next stay at the inn.”
“My lady, the dragon warlocks grow nearer as we speak. Every moment we delay is a moment we may not get back.”
“If I book with the rewards program, I go up another tier. It comes with a lot of perks.”
The chosen one had spoken. They would wait until the morrow to seize the best deals on travel and accommodations.
“Can we take a break?” panted Luanne. “My pack is so heavy, and I didn’t get a chance to stretch today.”
Luanne never made time to stretch, but that was not the point.
“It’s a day’s walk if we intend to reach the Fey Highlands by nightfall,” Byroncorn testily replied.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be one second. I just need to grab my neck pillow, some snacks, and my Lactaid pills so I can eat the snacks…”
Byroncorn stared in disbelief.
“Why in Gambora’s moon sled did you pack so many sundries?” exclaimed the wizard. “You know I’m magic, right?”
Luanne gazed up from her goblet of house red. A rugged stranger stared back at her flirtatiously. “I go by Henley around these parts,” he said.
“Hello, Henley,” Luanne replied. “Perhaps you’d like to join me in my quarters? I’m renting the finest room at the inn with my carefully accrued membership card points.”
“I’m listening,” Henley said, leaning in closer.
“Maybe we could share a drink?”
“I could use a libation,” he said, touching Luanne’s knee.
“And fall asleep on the couch snoring by 6 p.m.? Nothing sexual?” finished Luanne, batting her eyes at Henley expectantly.
“I see,” Henley said. “The hour grows late.” He made a big show of acting like he had somewhere to be, even though sitting around the tavern was clearly his whole thing.
Luanne and Byroncorn were surrounded. Everywhere they turned, more murderous Dragon Warlocks appeared from the shadows.
“Luanne! Use the amulet!!” cried the good Wizard Byroncorn.
Luanne rummaged around her pack. Then she checked her traveling cloak. Then she double-checked her traveling cloak and her pack.
“What’s the matter?” asked Byroncorn desperately.
“You’re never going to believe this, but I think I forgot to pack it.”
Byroncorn hung his head in sorrow.
“No, wait! I was wearing it already! I was looking for it, but it was already on my neck. I keep doing stuff like that. Like you know when you’re looking for your quill, but it’s already in your hand?”
“LUANNE! USE THE AMULET!!!”
“GEEZ! I was just making conversation,” she snapped. “No need to yell.” She raised the amulet aloft and obliterated the Dragon Warlocks with its holy light.
“It’s so hard to make friends when entering your third decade,” glowered Luanne.
Luanne triumphantly faced the United Counsel of Realms. She had defeated the Dragon Warlocks and brought peace to her world.
“We’ve prepared a feast in your honor!” exclaimed the Elf Queen Thaylna Heartpiercer. “The entire kingdom is here, thousands of people you’ve never met before waiting to converse with you late into the evening.”
“I appreciate the invite, but I’m actually heading home—to the greatest treasure of all,” Luanne replied.
“Oh? And what is that?” asked Thaylna.
Luanne smiled radiantly.
“Being alone in a room with a door that closes and no one is talking to me. Bye.”
A sneak peek from
Luanne the Graceful Ager, Book II:
Darkness fell over the land of Geriatrica as the newly awakened Mecha Dragon Warlocks breached the gates. Amidst the chaos, the good Wizard Byroncorn knocked frantically on Luanne Wyldsmith’s door.
Luanne opened her door a crack. The sun was low in the sky. She was already draped in her softest lounging attire and drowsy on various sleepytime tinctures.
“Make haste!” cried Byroncorn. “The enemy is upon us once again, and I fear stronger than ever before!”
“I’m so sorry, could we do this tomorrow?” asked Luanne.
“But the prophecy states you’re the chosen one! Only you can bring peace to the realm!” roared Byroncorn.
“I appreciate your belief in me, but to be honest, this is a lot of pressure. I’m happy to help, but I need time to decompress before I answer this new call to adventure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Luanne closed the door in Byroncorn’s face. She was proud of herself for prioritizing her needs. She celebrated by turning in early while her entire village burned to the ground.