The Irish Goodbye
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone.
The Revolving Departure
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, making it down the block before you realize you forgot your coat inside, stopping inside the front door because you can’t recall if you actually wore a coat that night, then leaving again because you in fact forgot your coat in the cab on the way over.
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, remembering you forgot to close out your tab, slinking back in to pay your bill, and getting trapped in an hour-long conversation with your co-worker about her vegetable garden share.
Leaving quietly out the side door of a party or bar without saying goodbye to anyone, in the hopes that your ex doesn’t realize that you crashed his wedding.
The Flashback Farewell
Going to pay your bill, realizing you have no cash, heading to a nearby bodega to use the ATM, getting sidetracked because they have Funny Bones, and hey you haven’t had Funny Bones since middle school, and ending up sitting on the curb in front of the bodega eating Funny Bones and wondering if your old GameBoy is still in your parents’ basement.
Leaning in for a hug while the other person sticks out their hand for a handshake, both of you laughing awkwardly, then heading out without actually saying goodbye.
The FOMO Circle
Leaving the bar the same time as everyone else, and ending up standing in a circle on the sidewalk right outside the door, not wanting to be the first one to leave, until the bouncer aggressively tells you to move it along.
Leaving the bar just as the song you put in the jukebox two hours ago comes on, and heading back inside to rightfully claim ownership over the awesomeness that is “The Pina Colada Song.”
The Rookie Mistake
Leaving the bar with the cute guy who looks like the drummer from that band you were obsessed with in college, until he shows you his arm and asks if you know what a bedbug bite looks like, at which point you Dukes of Hazzard out of the Uber and run screaming uptown.
Enthusiastically saying goodbye to everyone at the party, recapping tidbits of conversation you had with each person, and making grand gestures to nail down the next time you all can meet up again like this, while everyone simultaneously deletes your contact info from their phones.
The CEO Cheerio
Waking up the next morning after having passed out in a laundry hamper in the basement of a house you don’t recognize, walking upstairs and making small talk with the party’s host and her visiting Gammy, then politely excusing yourself to get to your office in time to run your 9am meeting.
The Narrative Erasure
Slipping out of a social gathering unnoticed, then the next day when everyone is talking about it, claim you weren’t even there, and by the way, thanks so much for inviting me, you guys.
The Vampire Vamoose
When someone goes to say goodbye to you, you wrap your cape around your body and disappear in a puff of smoke.