Congratulations! It’s been 8 days since you looked at your ex-boyfriend’s profile.
Congratulations! It’s been 2 months since you posted a status with zero likes.
Congratulations! It’s been 3 months since you’ve had a profile picture flagged as inappropriate by your father.
Congratulations! It’s been 7 weeks since you thought an Onion article was real news
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Congratulations! It’s been 4 weeks since you cried when you saw ads for plus-sized clothing on your feed.
Congratulations! It’s been three weeks since you drunk-commented “too soon” on a photo of a high school classmate’s baby.
Congratulations! It’s been 9 days since you checked to see if your college lover was still blocking you.
Congratulations! It’s been 5 months since you almost caused a car crash by checking Facebook in an intersection.
Congratulations! It’s been 6 months since you blocked anyone for making an offensive comment about Lena Dunham on your wall.
Congratulations! It’s been 6 months since you’ve been blocked by anyone for making an offensive comment about them on their wall.
Congratulations! It’s been 17 minutes since you last checked Facebook.