[Posted on refrigerator door.]
Dear Extended Family:
Welcome to the beach house! I know we’re all excited to be spending a whole week’s vacation together under one roof. I, for one, am eagerly anticipating the lively discussions that tend to come up whenever we’re together. It’s just one of the many perks of having such a wide range of social and political views within the family! Naturally, everyone will want an equal chance to be heard on his or her topic of choice; in this spirit, I propose the following:
Sunday: The 2012 Presidential Election
Time: 2:30 a.m.
Place: Bethany Beach, five feet inside the water line.
Monday: Which Religion is Best?
Time: 4:15 a.m.
Place: Bethany Beach Liquors. If no one is there when you arrive, just let yourself in. People will be along shortly.
Tuesday: U.S. Immigration Policy
Place: 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York.
Wednesday: That Thing You Did That Time That I’m Still Mad About
Time: 3:22 a.m.
Place: Bethany Town Hall, the tertiary attic. Can’t find the tertiary attic? Keep looking; it’s there somewhere.
Thursday: Who Should Control the Next U.S. Congress?
Time: 7:00 p.m.
Place: The restaurant that my friend suggested when I told her we were coming here. I’ve mentioned her before; she’s the one who got an eyebrow ring after her last kid was born. She said she knew it was a bit silly at her age, but that sometimes you just have to be a bit silly, you know? Anyway, she said this place has the best appetizers in town. Or was it the desserts? I’ll call her and ask if it was the desserts.
Friday: The Media/Supreme Court/School System/Internet Sure is Biased In Your Favor
Time: 1:17:00 a.m. – 1:17:30 a.m.
Place: The living room. Please note that the debate must begin and end on time.
Saturday: All the Major Social Issues of Our Time
Time: 10 p.m.
Place: The comfort of your own homes.
Please note that all discussion on these issues should be limited to the times and places here indicated. Failure to abide by this rule will result in one cold saltwater dunking per violation.
Enjoy your week!