“An American teenager’s victory against the world champion has sent chess into an uproar… Allegations of cheating—including wild speculation involving vibrating anal beads—have rocked chess to its core.” – The Guardian

- - -

The Queen’s Gambit

Beth Harmon walks into a chess tournament. It is the 1960s. She sits down opposite her opponent.

BETH: I can’t help but notice that there’s a long power cord coming out of your pants.

OPPONENT: (shrugs) No reason.

- - -


Before making his first move, Magneto hesitates, as though sensing something metal nearby.

MAGNETO: Is there anything you want to tell me, Charles?

PROFESSOR X: Absolutely nothing.

- - -

The Seventh Seal

DEATH: Hello, I am Death.

ANTONIUS BLOCK: Death! Let’s play chess.

DEATH: Excellent. You may live as long as the chess game continues. It will be a metaphor for a life well lived and the struggle of faith and despair.

ANTONIUS BLOCK: Great. Just, uh, hold on a second.


ANTONIUS BLOCK: I have to do something first. Something that will help my game.

DEATH: What?

ANTONIUS BLOCK: Don’t worry about it.

- - -

The Wire

D’ANGELO: If the pawn makes it all the way down to the other dude’s side, he gets to be queen.

BODIE: So if I make it to the other end, I win.

D’ANGELO: If you catch the other dude’s king and trap it, then you win. Unless.

BODIE: Unless?

D’ANGELO: Unless the other dude is cheating. Using vibrating anal beads.

- - -

From Russia with Love

Grandmaster Kronsteen and Macadams sit playing chess. A waiter brings water to both players. Suddenly, Kronsteen’s chair begins to vibrate aggressively. Water spills everywhere.

KRONSTEEN: I must go. SPECTRE calls.

- - -

Gary Kasparov vs. Deep Blue


DEEP BLUE: (moans audibly)