Anselm of Canterbury

Full-page promotional ad in local paper paid for by his parents. Text written by his aunt, a professional writer of sorts; she once penned an unpublished romance novel.

Bernard of Clairvaux

Fucks like the wind. Loves like a dream.


Knew someone, who knew someone else, who knew the secrets of the universe. They got in touch. Still has his hair done by this man. The man’s name? Mr. Weatherford.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Summer replacement for previous town philosopher. Stays for good.


Edgy theories pertaining to life’s great mysteries quickly adopted by fringe contingent. Slowly, carefully, moves into the mainstream. Not long thereafter deemed a “sell out.” Q ratings drop. Rise. Remain steady. Now philosophizing part-time at the Dutch Apple Dinner Theater, Lancaster, PA.


Legally adopted at seventeen by sleazy manager type. Changes hairstyle, wardrobe. Grows dynamite handlebar mustache. Favorite hobby: “Spilling seed on rocks.” Original name: Jacob Cohen.


Large, but proud nose distinguishes Abelard from the rest of the philosopher pack. Also: Sleepy-eyed and perpetually tanned. This kid is yummy.

Thomas Aquinas

Hung like a champ.

René Descartes

Myth: Lover extraordinaire. Reality: Disaster in bed. At moment of climax, screams: “Little Pony!” Rumors spread. Those in the know are intrigued. Decide to find out for themselves. Within weeks, screams of “Little Pony!” can be heard across the canyon. And beyond.

William of Ockham

This is an interesting story, I read about it in a magazine. I think it goes something like: William meets Hippocrates at a public bath. He shows him a scar shaped like a rose. Hippocrates is impressed enough to ask: “What do you want to do with your life?” “I want to philosophize.” “Why?” is the response. “I want to help humanity.” “You’re an idiot.” “Please, just give me this.” “I’ll see what I can pull.” I’m forgetting the ending.

Jean-Paul Sartre

Discovered while eating a turkey hoagie and contemplating the meaning of life at a roadside stand. Also, admit it: he’s cute as a goddamn bug!

Who is your favorite philosopher? What were they famous for? Do you like them a lot? What would you like to do with your life? There are so many questions, but so few answers.