Is Canada socialist?
Canada is a constitutional monarchy with a parliamentary system. While it fully embraces a capitalist economic infrastructure, it has also implemented a number of “safety net” programs that reflect strong social values. These include unemployment insurance, subsidized post-secondary education, and access to universal peanut butter. While it’s true the waiting list can be long for specialized spreads, Canadians can always count on access to peanut butter in a crunch.

What is Canada’s motto?
E Pluribus Denim

Prince Edward Island is a joke, right?
No, you’re thinking of Regina.

Is Canada really just one person?
Not anymore, but once, yes, at least officially. After the British conquered New France in 1760, they quickly determined that nobody actually wanted to live there. For liability reasons, they couldn’t simply leave the place empty. Thus, they appointed one man, James Robert MacDonald, to keep watch over Canada. While we now know that there were countless First Nations communities living here, MacDonald didn’t realize this due to his inability to make eye contact, thus establishing a long-standing Canadian tradition of dismissing Indigenous peoples. Canada underwent a population surge in the 1930s when immigrants arrived to work in the lucrative Leonard Cohen mines. Today, Canada’s population is 27.

What are Canadian values?
Tolerance. Sustainability. Diversity. Rush.

Can something be done about Drake?
Scientists believe Drake was introduced to the west coast of Canada hidden in a crate of Morrocan figs. With little resistance from natural predators, Drake quickly spread, causing extensive damage to British Columbia boreal forests and hip-hop culture. While Drake’s eastward spread was initially hindered by the Rocky Mountains and prairies, Drake managed to reach central Canada by hitching a ride with trucker Jean-Louis Bizou who is maintenant très, très désolé. Drake currently flourishes unchecked in Southern Ontario, where he has ruined peach crops and countless Toronto Raptors games. In terms of treatment, Drake appears to respond well to high doses of The Tragically Hip, although side effects include The Tragically Hip.

Are there dickheads in Canada?
While Canada lacks the sheer density of dickheads of the United States and much of Europe, dickheads have been part of Canada going back to 1904 when Prime Minister Wilfrid Laurier pronounced, “The 20th century belongs to Canada’s dickheads!” While this prediction was a bit off the mark, dickheads have nonetheless thrived in Canada in all walks of life, especially shopping mall security. For many years, the prevailing sentiment was that Canadians could only achieve true dickheadedness by being dickheads south of the border. However, there are still countless opportunities from sea to shining sea for dickheads to be dickheads. Canadian dickheads, though, tend to be quieter, except when they drive their snowmobiles up and down the street at the first fucking sign of snow. You can spot a Canadian dickhead by the smug way he corrects your pronunciation of “Toronto.” He also probably lives in Toronto.

What are the nicknames of Canadian currency?
$1: A Loonie
$2: A Toonie
25¢: A Beaver Nut
10¢: A Liz
5¢: Half a Liz
$5: A Bleu Nuit
$10: A Trebek
$20: A Pictou County Pogey Cheque
$50: A Swanky Pete
$100: Alexander Graham Bill

Who were the Fathers of Confederation?
The Fathers of Confederation were representatives from the Province of Canada and the Atlantic colonies who, between 1864 and 1867, met to discuss forming a union. In French, the Fathers of Confederation are known as Les hommes en culottes mignon (“The Men in Adorable Panties”).

Schitt’s Creek is really just okay, right?
It’s pretty good.

Can I chew gum in Canada?
While open chew laws are commonplace in the United States, Canada has very strict gum laws. Not only must all gums be registered, but certain high-calorie gums are banned outright. These severe measures were legislated federally in 1993 after a rogue case of Hubba Bubba X-Scream Cherry-Tastic Razzle Blast! found its ways inside a Kapuskasing kindergarten and caused extensive hair entanglements and excitability. Luckily there was universal peanut butter.

Is it true that the original name of Westminster, British Columbia was “Cockmeister”?