How do you compost?
It’s easy! Instead of throwing food scraps in the garbage, you collect them and put them in a little pen in the backyard. Then you sort of forget about it until April and you’ve got great compost!
Composting is simple. You just create a huge pile of cold trash in your backyard and you’re done!
Don’t you have to rotate it or get air circulating or something?
What are you talking about?
I heard you have to rotate it.
Who told you that?
Of course he did.
You’re not, I mean, you’re not close still?
I don’t trust a word James says. Not one single word. Not after what he did to me.
OK, I’m sorry I brought up James. It clearly upset you. But he told me conflicting things about something, and I’d like to know: can you compost meat scraps?
Why don’t you ask James, since he seems to be the person you get all your information from these days? After everything happened between me and him, you barely even talked to me. I could have used you. I had nowhere to turn.
I had been friends with James for a long time, so I was conflicted. He wasn’t doing well, and he needed me. I should have been there for you, too. I realize that now. I’m sorry.
I don’t even understand why you’re friends with him, anyway.
When James was with you, his mom wasn’t doing well. He and his mom had never been close, but once she got sick he realized he may never see her again. He tried to reach out to her, form some sort of connection, but she barely acknowledged him. It crushed him.
He never told me that.
James can be a very private person.
It doesn’t excuse his behavior, the way he treated me.
What is it? Is that you? James?
Yes. It’s me. James. I’m here now. I didn’t mean to ambush you in this composting FAQ, but I had to see you. I wanted to tell you something.
I’m not sure I can do this.
I know, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. I screwed up. I hurt you, and it was wrong. I was going through some stuff, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. But I’ve learned. I’ve changed. I’m reading more, and journaling. I’m taking a birding class.
Well I’m glad I could be your “learning experience.”
You were always more mature than me. I was scared of my own feelings. I didn’t know how to love. No one ever taught me how.
I did, James. Me. Every day I tried to teach you what love was.
I screwed up and I’m sorry. I understand now that I have issues. Anger, jealousy. Lust. I’m not expecting you to forgive me right away; I just hope that one day you can view me without malice and wish me well.
You were the first person I went to Europe with.
As if I could ever forget that night on the Brittany Coast, when we missed our train and had to find somewhere to stay. We met a man in a bar, and he said, “You’re such a beautiful couple.” I believed him.
We both did.
And when we said we didn’t have anywhere to sleep, he said we could stay in his guest bedroom. It seemed kind of… weird at first. But we embraced it.
That’s just the nature of traveling.
But traveling is kind of a metaphor, isn’t it? For how to live your life? Accept what comes. Enjoy the moment.
You seem different. Maybe you have learned.
I wish I could go back! Back to my old self, and tell him what I know now. You know what I’d do? I’d shake him. I’d try to make him open his eyes. “What’s happening may not ever happen again! Don’t you get that? Treasure this time! Treasure this relationship!”
And what do you think he would have done?
I think he would’ve figured out that he was being an idiot. He would have changed.
You think so?
But that’s a problem, isn’t it?
What’s a problem?
The fact that the only person you listen to is you. I was telling you the exact same thing, and you ignored me.
You think you were the only person going through a hard time? If I told you everything that was happening with me, you’d be ashamed. Tell me why you actually met me in this composting FAQ.
Why you’re here. You just want me to wish you well? I don’t believe that.
OK, I, I want to see you again. Like, date you again. After we broke up—
After I broke up with you because you cheated on me.
After… yeah. Well I started seeing that person. Jamie. And she was — fun. It was fine. It got old. She’s not like you. She doesn’t make me think about things. Like how after we’d see a movie you’d always say things about the characters that I didn’t get right away? She’s not like that. And she kind of like, annoys me. She asks if her Instagram captions are funny, and I say yes — but they aren’t funny. They’re very bad.
So you broke up with her?
Jamie. You’ve broken up with her?
I, uh, I’m working on that. Getting there. Hasn’t been the right time yet.
So you’re asking me out even though you’re with someone else. You’re doing what you did to me, to her.
I think you’re really beautiful. And smart.
Oh my God. And I almost fell for it.
What? I’m being nice.
You’re being an asshole.
I’m not! I have regrets in life, and I’m trying to fix them.
No. You’re trying to get someone else to fix them.
I want to be better.
Maybe you should try being honest with people.
That’s why I came to this composting FAQ. To be honest with you.
You’re here because you’re lonely and sad and desperate.
Fine, I’ll be honest. And honestly? You’re not that great. You think you’re so smart? Well how about that time you said you knew how to get to the train station in Brittany and then got us completely lost? How about that?
The night in Brittany was supposed to be romantic, but you got drunk and then passed out before we could even be intimate.
You could’ve woken me up.
Yes, wow, good point. Hey honey, I know you can barely keep your eyes open, but I put on my best lingerie for you. Want to make love?
It was pouring rain, and I almost got hypothermia looking for that damn train. So yeah, my body shut down and needed to rejuvenate itself. That’s biology.
Or deflection. And irresponsibility. And a general lack of insight into your own behavior.
Why did we go to France in February, anyway?
Maybe because Rick Steves said you can get better deals if you go in the off-season, although I don’t think he took into account the cost of buying four different 3-D Eiffel Tower puzzles.
You’re mean. You’re a mean person.
And you don’t understand that actions have consequences.
This whole composting FAQ thing was a mistake.
Feel free to apologize whenever.
I’m out of here.
And you know what? A bunch of stuff you said about composting isn’t true.
Be well, James.