How does the Dreamweaver 2400 work?
The Dreamweaver 2400 ceaselessly and with the determination of a provoked rhinoceros force-feeds a continual stream of positive air pressure through your nasal passages and deep into the lower crevices of your lungs, making for a peaceful, dreamy sleep.

I’ve noticed there’s no power cord. How does the Dreamweaver 2400 plug-in?
It doesn’t. The Dreamweaver 2400 uses energy from the sun to gently power you through a restful night of deep sleep. It’s the first solar-powered CPAP machine ever!

But… won’t I be using it during the night?
True. It’s possible we hadn’t thought that through entirely before initiating manufacturing from our partner facility in Shenzhen. Fortunately, there is a backup power module that accepts an ordinary female coupling operating on standard household current. We’ll be happy to send you a garden-variety extension cord (white or gray depending on what we can get that day at Walmart) at no cost (after nominal shipping charges, taxes, and upgrade fees).

Okay, thanks. How do I affix the mask once I’m powered up?
Your Dreamweaver 2400 includes a universal-fitting, comfortable face mask made of hardened resin that nestles neatly atop the preponderance of your face, fully covering your eyes, nose, ear cavities, mouth, and, just to be sure, extending a few inches below your nipples. Simply place the unit in position, tighten the elastic straps (there are eight, and the last one can be a bit tricky to find; it’s down near your sternum) and settle in for a great night’s sleep!

I have to say it sounds slightly uncomfortable, what with all those metal clasps, and in the picture the thing looks positively medieval. Will I really be able to relax?
Of course. Explore different sleeping positions to discover what works best for you. Many customers find they prefer a bovine-inspired configuration whereby resting on all fours provides an optimal mix of comfort while not poking sharp metal edges into the rib cage area and causing you to wake up screaming from a sudden flash of pain as if a feral street cat had scraped a fresh strip of flesh from your torso, which can sometimes happen but hopefully won’t.

My Dreamweaver came with two small plastic bottles filled with a burbling green liquid substance that smells faintly of Clorox. What are these?
Congratulations; you’ve selected our premium version 2.0, with the easy-insert deep sleep modules. Simply sign and return the waiver, then gently screw one vial into the small, threaded opening built into your mask to release a gentle aromatic mist throughout the night.

Ummm, what exactly is in it?
Oh, for chrissakes. Who cares? It’s not going to kill you. Just use it.

Is my Dreamweaver quiet?
The Dreamweaver 2400 produces no more noise so than what you’d commonly encounter from any modest house party next door. For convenience, we include foam ear inserts you can use to block out that knocking sound we can’t entirely seem to isolate.

Is it true what people have reported to the FDA about the Dreamweaver provoking strange nightmares?
In some cases, certain customers have mentioned experiencing hallucinatory episodes during deep, REM sessions in which they are pursued down a darkened version of the quiet suburban street where they grew up by an apocryphal neon-glowing reptilian overlord bent on torturing its victims during one of those awful dream moments where you can’t run or gain traction of any sort and thus are doomed to ruin. The good news is that the Dreamweaver Terms & Conditions disclosure specifically absolves us of any liability here. Plus, it’s probably just your frayed psyche crying out in the night.

Will the 1970s-era songwriter and musician Gary Wright likely succeed in his copyright lawsuit against your product brand and if so, will the warranty still apply?
Possibly so, as we’ve been impressed by his legal team’s persistence so far and do have some early concerns. Also, we don’t actually offer a warranty.