1. Could be described as “willowy”

2. Rarely nourished, though often surrounded by food described with a passion reserved, by some, for orgasms

3. Wholly lacking interior life

4. Forgoes liquid for some unpredictable, constantly-varying length of time before drinking great volumes until falling over

5. Generally talked down to and does not talk

6. If talking, causes reactions ranging from “How in hell’s name are you talking right now?" to “Have I drunk to the point of hallucination?”

7. Brightens the corner but is completely interchangeable with others, as well as easily replaced

8. More likely to stick around if expectations are kept low

9. Incapable of demonstrating love or any genuine feeling

10. Names range from banal and pedestrian (Mary, Fern) to ruinously exotic (Pilar, Amaryllis)

11. Content with position on a pedestal

12. Wears flowers when exposed to heat and light

13. Routinely explained by men who are certain that they can help me understand almost as much as they do

14. Gets ugly when hydrated by wine or whiskey

15. May just be a metaphor for longing

16. Probably the subject of someone’s dissertation

17. Unlikely to set deep roots in this place of dust and solitude

18. Almost certain to wither away while still in the bloom of youth

19. Currently infested with thrips

20. Surprisingly fond of bullshit

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Female Hemingway Character: 1-18, 20
My Houseplant: 1-20