1. TERMS: This Rental Agreement is between OWNER (Mom) and TENANT (Fetus) for sole use of the uterus, for a lease term of approximately nine months, not to exceed 41 weeks.
2. OWNER’S RESPONSIBILITIES: The landlord will provide a safe, warm environment for tenant development.
2A. Landlord must refrain from consuming sushi, cheese with the prefix “unpasteurized” or “head,” street vendor hot dogs, or a product known as “haggis.”
2B. Landlord must avoid alcoholic beverages for the duration of the tenant’s residency. If landlord decides to consume one alcoholic beverage, it should not be wasted on Bud Light, port, or anything containing the phrase “hard lemonade.”
2C. If consuming caffeinated beverages, total consumption must not exceed three cups per day (unless specified otherwise in enclosed note from therapist).
2D. During tenant occupancy, landlord must refrain from the following activities: hang gliding, curling, mixed martial arts, trapezing, sword fighting, motocross, pole vaulting, and sleeping on back.
2E. Landlord may take prenatal vitamins, but only if they remember to do so.
3. TENANT’S MAINTENANCE OF PREMISES: Tenant must leave residence in same condition as when they entered it. They must keep tearing, scarring, and stretching to a minimum, and if lasting damage is done, they must offer compensation in the form of extended naps, snuggling, and three smiles per day. Upon moving out, tenant must restore the dwelling unit to its prior pristine condition.
3A. Tenant must not venture beyond the scope of the residence. This includes, but is not limited to, swift kicks to the ribcage, compression of lungs and diaphragm, and pressure on bladder and stomach.
3B. Tenant must keep hiccups to a minimum.
3C. If a stranger’s hand is pressed to the outside of the belly, the tenant must not reward this intrusion with movement, and will remain still until it is removed.
4. DISRUPTION: Tenant agrees not to allow any excessive noise or activity on the premises which might disturb the landlord’s sleep and/or enjoyment of Orange is the New Black. This includes limited movement between the hours of 10 pm and 8 am (10:30 am on weekends).
5. OCCUPANTS: Only the individual as specified in contract AND NO OTHERS shall dwell in the residence. No subletting or division of the space is permitted without the consent of the landlord.
5A. If the space is subdivided among multiple tenants, occupancy must not exceed the original allotted time frame.
5B. If more than one occupant resides on the property at one time, the tenants must agree to let the landlord dress them in matching outfits while still demanding that people be able to tell them apart.
6. PETS: Under no circumstances are pets allowed on the premises.
7. END OF LEASE: If tenant violates the terms of this lease, landlord is permitted to remind them constantly about how long she was in labor, how uncomfortable pregnancy was, and how those stretch marks have permanently ruined bathing suit season. If landlord violates terms of lease, tenant is allowed to enjoy a healthy bout of colic, produce massive amounts of fecal matter, and take a long time to “get on a schedule.”
7A. At the end of the agreed lease time, tenant must vacate the premises through the lower exit, and, if absolutely necessary, through the front wall. Tenant must remove all placental property belonging to them, and leave residence in pre-move-in condition.
7B. If vacating the premises before the due date specified in contract, tenant must give seven-days notice to allow for landlord to pack a bag, assemble that IKEA crib, get a pedicure, and attend Kelly’s birthday dinner.
Signed, Mom and Baby