You are currently subscribed to Casual Romantic And Sexual Relationship That Is Becoming Serious. You are requesting to modify our relationship, is that correct?
[X] Yes
[ ] No

For your privacy and protection, please confirm your identity by answering the following security question:

What do you resent about your sister?
[ ] She’s more intelligent.
[ ] She’s more athletic.
[X] She’s more successful.

- - -

Thank you for confirming your identity. I’m sure you’ll be more successful than her one day.

How would you like to modify our relationship:
[ ] Take it to the next level.
[ ] Affirm where we’re at.
[X] Scale things back.

Uncheck all relationship aspects you wish to be unsubscribed from, or click here to unsubscribe from all relationship aspects. [X]
[X] Emotional Support
[X] Shared Expenses
[X] Mutual Friends
[X] A Warm Body To Share A Bed With
[X] Discussion Of Things Mutually Hated
[X] Someone To Go To Dinner With
[X] Begrudging Oral Sex

Unsubscribing from all relationship aspects will cause the relationship to become terminated. Click here to confirm you want to break up with me.
[X] Yes
[ ] No

I’m sorry to see you go! I see you’ve been a valuable member of our relationship for over five months. Before I can process your request, please fill out this short survey so that I can better serve future partners.

How satisfying was this relationship for you?
[ ] Very satisfying.
[ ] A little satisfying.
[ ] Not at all satisfying.
[X] Very unsatisfying.

Which of your needs were met?
[ ] Sexual
[ ] Emotional
[ ] Intellectual
[ ] Financial

What would you change if you could do it again?
[ ] Nothing. It was me, not you.
[ ] Right people, wrong time.
[X] Everything. It was you, not me.

Why do you want to break my heart?
[ ] I love you but I’m not in love with you. One day I hope you can understand what you mean to me.
[ ] I’m sorry, you’re great. I just can’t be in a relationship right now.
[ ] You never understood me or treated me the way I deserved.
[X] You’re ugly, poor, stupid, and terrible in bed. And you know that thing I said that was okay? It’s not, and you’re sad and perverted for thinking it is okay.

How likely are you to recommend me to friends?
[ ] Very.
[ ] Possibly.
[ ] Not very.
[X] If you date any of my friends I’ll kill you.

On a scale of one to ten, how much did you ever really love me?
[ ] 10

What are your best memories of The Relationship?
[ ] I’ll treasure every memory.
[ ] I’m already trying to forget you ever existed.
[X] What relationship?

What makes you want to leave me?
[ ] Your intimidating sexual prowess.
[ ] Your overly lavish gifts.
[ ] Your almost telepathic thoughtfulness.
[X] Your sleep crying.
[X] Your insistence on wearing a Snuggie out of the house.
[X] Your overly analytical questionnaires analyzing every life change.

May I keep a photo of us together as my Facebook profile picture?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

May I contact you via email for backhanded humblebragging life updates?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

May I contact you via phone for mid-party drunk dials?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

May I contact you via text message for late night booty calls?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

May I drop by your workplace, because oh hey do you still work here huh isn’t that funny so listen while I’m here do you want to get a drink I know it’s 10 am but maybe we could talk it’ll just take 5 minutes why won’t you even touch me do I disgust you that much no I won’t quiet down?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

Optional comments (50 characters max):
You’re insane! Can’t you communicate like a normal

The relationship you are about to terminate will turn out to be the happiest of your life and you’ll end up alone, sad, and filled with regret that you ever let me slip through your fingers. You hereby waive me from any liability resulting from your inevitable crushing loneliness. Any photos or videos of you may end up on a porn site for which I will never take responsibility. To read the rest of the End of Union License Agreement please go to:

Do you agree to the above End of Union License Agreement?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

I’m sorry, but I cannot process your relationship unsubscribe request unless you agree to the End of Union License Agreement.

Do you agree to the above End of Union License Agreement?
[X] Yes
[ ] No

Thank you!

Would you like to upgrade to the Premium Breakup Experience?
[X] $100 – Breaking Up In A Nice Restaurant So I Can’t Make A Scene
[X] $25 – A Cab Standing By For A Quick Getaway
[X] $300 – Replacing Everything You Abandon In My Apartment That I’ll Burn In Effigy
[ ] $0 – Breakup Sex
[ ] $0 – Makeup Sex
[ ] $0 – Breakup Sex (For Real This Time)

Would you like to be kept informed of relationship opportunities in the future?
[ ] Yes
[X] No

Please click here to initiate relationship termination. It may take up to ten days for me to process the breakup request due to denial and bitterness.

I’m sorry; I’ve encountered an error and am unable to unsubscribe you from our relationship at this time. Our relationship has been renewed indefinitely. Your sister is very happy for us.

Click here to unsubscribe from our engagement.