To: Stan Rubenstein
From: Lydell Stern-O’Connor, Head of Personnel, Save Our World Today©
Re:Terms of Exit Agreement
As per your resignation letter dated July 15, 2015 this memorandum serves as a legal reminder of the terms of your employment contract with “Save Our World, Today©” (hereforth to be referred to as SOWT©).
As per article 4.b, “For a period of one year from the effective date of your voluntary termination of work, you are not permitted to participate in any actions to save our world, today. You are prohibited from improving lives, creating societal change or otherwise bettering situations. This stipulates that you may not give aid, help, assist, advise, consult with, acknowledge, re-tweet from, ‘like’ on Facebook, or contact using communications already in existence or yet to be invented, any organization, corporations, groups, listservs, or government agencies who are in direct competition to SOWT’s relief efforts. You are enjoined as well from providing direct funding to actual people in need including, but not limited to, street people, homeless people, friends, friends of friends, and ‘new’ friends.”
Stan, we appreciate all your efforts during your twelve years here, but we are required to follow the letter of the contract and the established personnel protocols so that we have as smooth a transition as possible at SOWT© and get back to the business of ‘helping people help people.’
We know that in your capacity as official liaison between the worldwide philanthropic community and the woefully underserved third world villages in your portfolio, you have been privy to the latest SOWT© strategies as well as our exclusive list of personal email addresses and twitter accounts compiled by SOWT© staff. We further realize that you were instrumental in devising and implementing programs such as “The Cold Water Initiative” and “SOWT© Swatches For Africa,” but on the advice of legal counsel, we are required to inform you that all of those concepts, information, and programs which have saved thousands of lives are the intellectual property and proprietary creations of SOWT©. You set new standards in providing aid in disaster areas, such as your ‘Buy A Boy A Belt’ project, so that victims of mother nature could maintain their dignity of appearance even during the worst of times, were a huge success. Also, the donor community’s response to your “The Issue Is Tissue” campaign at getting two-ply toilet paper to third world countries was beyond what we could have hoped. We truly thank you for your efforts and ideas. Those ideas, however, which were cultivated at our Tribeca offices, need to legally remain there.
After the contract mandated non-compete year has expired, we will take some small pleasure of pride if you choose to jump back into our community and provide relief to those who so desperately need it. As a reminder, your contract does stipulate that, although you will be able to be employed in the service community after one year, you may not, for a period of 4 more years, help those within the continent of Africa. That’s ours.
As a last reminder, stipulated by our lawyers and as well as your contract, if during the effective year you are found out to have violated these terms, either by means such as, but not limited to, donating via PayPal, forwarding touchingly personal emails about rare cancer read-a-thons, etc., then there are cash penalties due to SOWT©. We must be diligent in protecting our work product in order to put every effort towards ending needless suffering.
While it might be difficult to be away from the helping-trenches for one year, I hope you’ll agree that those who are truly in need will appreciate the time you took to re-energize your helping skills. Stan, it is important to the integrity of our mission statement — “Helping people help people” — to ensure that there isn’t confusion thrust upon the philanthropic aid community. We all want to do what we legally can to help humanity’s suffering, but it is imperative to not distract from the donor’s quest for self-esteem. We want them to like themselves by giving so that they will give more. I’m sure you agree with this.
On one final legal note, all restrictions heretofore noted apply equally under an umbrella clause to SOWT© and its subsidiaries including, but not limited to; “Save Our World ASAP”©, “Save Our World One Text At A Time”©, “Help Save Our World’s Help”©, and “The Original Save Our World.”(copyright pending upon resolution of legal dispute)
I often don’t add a personal note in situations like this, but given our long working relationship and the fact that our wives are sisters, I wanted to put my corporate hat aside and wish you, Mandy and the kids, the best of luck on your next adventure. While I’m sure they’ll miss all the souvenirs you brought back from your aid trips, I bet they’ll be happy to have Daddy back helping around the house.
Gary Rudoren’s (co-written with Eric Hoffman) book
Comedy By Numbers is available in our store.