This Lease Agreement, executed on the first day LANDLORD was available after returning from Florida, is by and between LANDLORD and TENANT.
LANDLORD hereby rents to TENANT, subject to the following terms and conditions of this Agreement, the premises of Unit 2-A in The Weirdest Building in Vicinity, to be occupied as a residence for a period of 0-9 years, beginning on the 1st of September of this year and ending as soon as TENANT has enough money to leave.
TENANT shall pay LANDLORD the total for rent in the amount of 40% More Than What Makes Sense, payable on the 1st of each month. Payment is due via check, as LANDLORD got blocked from Venmo for typing in the wrong password too many times, and LANDLORD thinks Paypal is a friend who’s good with money. Checks of TENANT must come from a checkbook that is used only for rent, smells a bit off, and is eight years old.
TENANT acknowledges that late payment of rent may cause LANDLORD to incur costs and expenses. If rent is not paid within five days of due date, TENANT must pay, in addition to 40% More Than What Makes Sense, a “late fee” in the amount of Whatever LANDLORD’s Real Estate Buddy Rick Suggested When LANDLORD Texted Him About This. The cost of the late fee is not negotiable.
Upon execution of this Rental Agreement, TENANT deposits with LANDLORD a Security Deposit for the faithful performance by TENANT of the terms and conditions of this Agreement. The Security Deposit is to be returned to TENANT, less any damage charges, without interest, unless LANDLORD decides to spend it on something LANDLORD really needs, like a new riding lawnmower or DJ equipment. If the Security Deposit is already spent on something LANDLORD really needed, like tickets to Disney or an espresso machine, then LANDLORD is required to pull from the ether a reason the Security Deposit shall not be returned, such as a new squeakiness to a door, chipped paint, or a broken oven that never worked in the first place.
The unit is to be occupied as a strictly private dwelling by no more than two persons unless approved in writing by LANDLORD, or unless one of TENANT’s college roommates hits a rough patch and needs a place to stay for a month or two. If this occurs, TENANT’s college roommate must be added to the lease as a LOSER BUDDY, which requires an additional Security Deposit.
TENANT shall keep no dogs or pets in The Weirdest Building in Vicinity. Exceptions include service animals and large canines that a hippie therapist has designated as emotional support animals. If TENANT submits documentation regarding an ESA, LANDLORD is required to make some kind of huffing noise and partake in a half-joking internal monologue about how, now that dogs are considered anxiety treatment, maybe a gerbil can cure LANDLORD’s deep-seated psychological issues regarding LANDLORD’s father.
All utilities and services shall be the responsibility of TENANT. This includes water, trash, gas, internet, electric, and, by the time the Agreement terminates, eight streaming services and four recurring online payments that TENANT doesn’t remember signing up for, such as Weeblie, a web design service, and Starrio, a graphic design widget TENANT used for one week when TENANT created a short-lived meme account for jazz clarinetists.
TENANT’s neighbors, per the Agreement, are required to make strange, loud noises often enough to be annoying, but not so often TENANT feels they can make an official complaint about it.
TENANT shall make no alterations or improvements to the Weirdest Building in Vicinity without the prior written consent of LANDLORD, including painting, wallpapering, adding locks, using large screws, trying to open the windows, trying to open the little door that’s inside the closet, tightening anything, loosening anything, loosening something and then tightening it to see if that’s where the squeaking is coming from, taking a rag to anything that’s black or gray, examining anything too closely to see if it “looks legal,” tapping anything and saying, “It seems hollow back there?,” opening the doorknob too quickly, pushing against the door because the doorknob isn’t moving, looking at the key and then the unit number and then the key again and saying, “Am I crazy? This is where we live, right?” or inviting anyone over who has a reputation as a spiller.
If TENANT needs any repairs done, TENANT can simply text LANDLORD, and LANDLORD will promptly send someone who belongs to no union and has no formal training to fix it using caulk and a YouTube tutorial.
Upon termination of the Agreement, TENANT must say something like, “Thank you for all you’ve done for us,” to which LANDLORD must say, “You’ve been wonderful tenants,” assuming LANDLORD isn’t in Florida at the time.