1. Agnes Grey, protagonist of the novel by Anne Brontë. She was dedicated to moral fortitude and preachy self-righteous piety, just like my cheating husband claimed to be. Also, the last name “Grey” looks a lot like “Gary,” which is the first name of the man who seduced my husband away from me, so no thank you.

2. Al Grey, American jazz trombonist. Developed plunger technique for trombone. In other words, a horn-y guy who knows a lot about “plunging,” again no thank you, and again “Grey” sounds and looks a lot like “Gary.”

3. Albert Grey, 4th Earl Grey, British politician. Clearly named after a cup of tea though he never addresses this insane fact throughout his entire lifetime.

4. Allan Grey, character from A Streetcar Named Desire who had a SECRET GAY AFFAIR WHILE MARRIED TO BLANCHE, FUCK this shady underhanded MONSTER, no THANK you.

5. Brad Grey, chairman & CEO of Paramount Pictures. Produced the classic HBO portrait of American values The Sopranos, but also produced Transformers like how Gary “transformed” my husband into his gay lover, so nope.

6. Charles Grey, 1st Earl Grey, British General. Yet again another guy named after a cup of tea who remained in denial throughout his entire lifetime.

7. Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey, British politician. He apparently addressed the fact that he was named after a cup of tea but never addressed the fact that many other people also shared the same name.

8. Charles Grey, 4th Earl Grey. Once again no mention of the glaring cup of tea situation OR admitting that someone else revealed that he was named after the SAME cup of tea, JUST ADMIT THAT YOU ARE NAMED AFTER A CUP OF TEA AND STOP HIDING BEHIND WHAT IS SO OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ELSE, YOU ARE RUINING EVERYONE’S LIFE AND HUMILIATING EVERYONE MARRIED TO YOU.

9. Christian Grey, principal character from the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. I couldn’t find any info about this person.

10. Cordelia Grey, fictional character who works as a private detective in London. I hired a private detective to follow my husband after I suspected he was cheating on me, but the detective did not find anything out and instead tried to hit on me, thus private detectives are extremely shady and not to be trusted.

11. Dahlia Grey aka Jami Dion, Penthouse pet March 1992. What happened to the ‘e’ at the end of your name, Jami? Do I need to hire a private detective to find it for you? I won’t, because I no longer trust them or indeed any man.

12. David Grey, American poker player. Gary and my husband met at a poker game, which eventually led my husband to make the atrocious claim that meeting him was “in the cards,” so poker is bullshit, and David Grey is by proxy a shady bullshit motherfucker.

13. Lady Jane Grey, Queen of England. Executed for TREASON. Goddamn the name “Grey” looks so much like “Gary.” This list is a waking nightmare.

14. Janet Grey, American actress. Loved her in Guiding Light, but can’t really see past the Gary/Grey thing at this point.

15. Jean Grey, fictional character from X-men. Guess what my ex-husband is an ex-man as far as I’m concerned.

16. Jennifer Grey, American actress. Dirty Dancing was one of my favorite movies and now all I can picture is Gary and my husband doing a dirty dance on the fresh grave of my marriage.

17. Johnny Grey, American kitchen designer and architect. I actually do find him innovative and appreciate him linking the Alexander Technique to kitchen design and developing the link between socializing and cooking.

18. Gary.

19. Gary.

20. Gary.

21. Gary.

22. Gary.

23. My husband, honestly.

24. Gary.

25. Gary.

26. Gary.

27. GARY.

28. GARY!!!!!!!!

29. Julius Grey, Canadian lawyer, professor and minority rights advocate. Gary is Canadian, so fuck him and everyone else on this list.

30. Lita Grey, American actress and wife of Charlie Chaplin. I used to be someone’s wife and now I am not.

31. Dr. Meredith Grey, fictional character from Grey’s Anatomy My husband and I always used to watch Grey’s Anatomy together until one day he started talking about how good House was, and I always wondered where he was finding the time to watch House when he was working so late at the office every night.

32. Dr. Lexie Grey, fictional character from Grey’s Anatomy. She didn’t show up until the third season of Grey’s Anatomy, just like Gary didn’t show up until the third year of our marriage.

33. Nigel de Grey, British codebreaker. I discovered my husband and Gary had a code where Gary would text him “I need you to come into work early,” which of course meant “I need you to come over and fuck me” and I know this because I went through his texts, which I regret but also do not regret honestly.

34. Paris Grey, American singer. My husband and I honeymooned in Paris and I thought we were very much in love.

35. Sir Raleigh Grey, pioneer British colonizer of Southern Rhodesia. Why do bad things happen to good people? I was a good person. I am a good person. I was faithful, though I had ample opportunity not to be. How am I supposed to move forward from this? What do I do with my life? What is it about me as a woman that made me not enough for him? People say that being gay is something you’re born knowing. But I feel like Peter loved me. It’s possible that he’s bi-sexual, but why not tell me? Why not trust me to be understanding? I would have considered an open marriage. I’ve thought about other people, too. I don’t know. An open marriage seems to be the first step toward divorce. It happened to Rachel’s marriage. It happened to Connie’s marriage. Is this just how things are now? People try to be devoted to each other, but they just can’t know what they want a couple years down the line? Why get married at all? There’s so much of life to explore. Why just devote your whole life to one person? But he must have known he had feelings for men. That’s not something that just arises out of nowhere. He always knew. He lied to me. The whole thing was a lie.

36. Sab Grey, American musician. It’s devastating, how do you trust again?

37. Sara Grey, fictional character in the Marvel Universe. How do you love again?

38. Sasha Grey, the stage name of an American pornographic actress. My feelings about pornography are conflicted. My husband and I would occasionally watch together, and he would want to watch gay porn sometimes, but like, not often enough for me to question anything.

39. Skylar Grey, American Singer/Songwriter. I just feel really depressed. We were starting to talk about having a baby.

40. Tanni Grey-Thompson, Welsh athlete and TV presenter. Which, honestly, was not even something that I wanted!!!!!! It was all him!!!!!! I never wanted to be a mother. HE wanted to start a family.

41. Sir Thomas Grey, of Heaton, conspirator. It just doesn’t make any sense.

42. Thomas Grey, 1st Marquess of Dorset, courtier. The private detective wasn’t wholly unattractive. He was attractive, even. It was just inappropriate. He asked me out after he’d spent two weeks trying to figure out why my marriage was falling apart. Isn’t that a sign? Am I naïve?

43. Thomas Grey, Lord Grey of Groby. Maybe he just felt sympathy for me. But is that gross? Can I not read red flags?

44. Thomas Grey, 2nd Earl of Stamford. I don’t even know how I can think about dating at this point. The divorce isn’t even finalized. But I have to move on somehow.

45. Thomas de Grey, 2nd Earl Grey. Maybe these people genuinely knew they were named after tea the whole time and just figured it was so obvious that it never needed to be acknowledged. But it does need to be acknowledged!!!

46. Thomas de Grey, 6th Baron Walsingham, British politician and entomologist. Everything that is important needs to be said! I can’t read people’s minds!

47. Virginia Grey, American actress. Deep truths are gifts to be carefully and compassionately shared with the people you trust and love.

48. Vivian Grey, title of Benjamin Disraeli’s first novel. What about me was untrustworthy? Unlovable? Leavable?

49. Zane Grey, American novelist. Do these kinds of questions ever really get answered? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. Fuck it.

50. Zena Grey, American actress. [Illegible tea-stained smudges.]