1. Hi! I’m so embarrassed to even be writing you, but it’s not like I can ask my mom, right? Even my best friends don’t seem to understand what I’m going through (because, yeah, their eggs are still shooting out like clockwork). So there’s this guy. I really, really want to impress him (he’s a high ranking government official). So we’re in a meeting, right? Just “sovereign immunity” this and “injunction” that. And then my period starts out of nowhere! So I pretend to get a text and run out of the room, screaming, “My kids’ school just burned down!” Should I have picked something that wasn’t independently verifiable? Will I be fired?

2. This one is even more personal, but there’s this guy I have a huge crush on. I’ve been married to him for, like, forever. He keeps wanting to go to second base, but I’m afraid. I’m not sure exactly why, but I think it might be because the extra estrogen my body is creating to fight the end of my child-bearing years makes going to second base about as much fun as a mammogram. What if he decides to replace me with someone whose body isn’t in the middle of a full revolt against the dying of the light?

3. I’m back, again. Just like the acne. So, anyway, every morning at 5:30 my eyes pop open. And then everyone is all, Why does Mom get up so early? Why was Mom baking whole grain spelt muffins at 6 in the morning? Why does Mom go to the grocery store before dawn? Why doesn’t anyone understand me anymore?!?

4. So I was hiding in a hotel bathroom watching the Great British Breaking Show on the iPad at 6 AM while my family slumbered peacefully (see question 3), and I dropped the iPad into the sink and shattered the screen! Will my kids ever trust me with a tablet again? How can I make them understand that I can be responsible if they won’t ever let me prove it to them?

5. I am so hot. Oh, wait, now I’m cold… Nope, hot again. I understand that is not actually a question.