It’s no secret that American democracy isn’t what it used to be. These days, it seems like nine times out of ten our representatives in government are too busy squabbling and taking bribes to even consider getting anything done. There’s no two ways about it: our Congress is utterly useless, except, of course, for the time they helped me get all those insects out of my futon.
The biggest problem with Congress is that they have no idea how to compromise. It’s like our country is being run by a bunch of six-year-olds. Those bureaucratic numbskulls can’t seem to stop calling each other names long enough to pass a single damn bill, and the American people are sick and tired of it. That said, there was no name-calling on that glorious day when the members of our representative government came together heroically to expel the vast swarms of ants, bees, and termites that had inhabited my futon mattress for over a year. Other than that one specific instance, Congress is terrible.
To be honest, when our nation’s 100 senators and 435 representatives responded to my Craigslist ad requesting the removal of several hundred insects from my Dorel Home Products Pillowtop Futon, I had my doubts. Those fat cats in Washington were going to help me with my insect problem? Weren’t these the same clowns who shut down the entire government because they couldn’t stop fighting about health care? But, believe it or not, they exceeded my expectations, and I’m pleased to say that my futon is now insect-free.
As Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) cut a small hole in the futon using his penknife while Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) lured the bugs out with some watermelon slices, I realized that public servants from both sides of the aisle were working together to achieve a common goal. If only our government could take this sort of bipartisan action on issues like gun control or LGBT rights, there’s no telling what it could accomplish.
Now, were there challenges along the way? Of course. A huge debate broke out over what to do with the bugs once we got them out of my futon. Half of Congress wanted to donate them to science, and the other half just wanted to kill them. Ultimately, we compromised by simply leaving the bugs in my living room and calling it a day. As long as they stayed out of my futon, I didn’t mind. But the biggest obstacle we faced was when Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) tacked on a rider amendment to the removal of insects from my futon that completely defunded Detroit’s public school system and made it legal to throw cranberries at the mentally infirm. I wasn’t too crazy about either of these provisions, but if you want to get anything done in politics, you’ve got to take the good with the bad.
Let me be perfectly clear about my view: when it comes to non-insect-removal-related issues, Congress is a bunch of lazy morons. Still, I have to give credit where credit is due. Today, I can have guests stay on my futon whenever I want, without having to warn them of the hoards of insects that dwell within. And, as much as I never thought I’d say these words, I owe it all to Congress.