“California Rep. Katie Porter exacted a commitment from the director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to pay for coronavirus testing for uninsured Americans, grilling the Trump administration official repeatedly in the middle of a congressional hearing until he agreed the government would pay for the tests.”— BuzzFeed, 3/12/20

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When you woke up this morning and put on your bland suit in preparation for your hearing, I bet you looked yourself in the mirror and thought: Today’s the day. Katie Porter’s not going to get me.

Well, I’m Representative Katie Porter’s whiteboard, and I’ve got a message scrawled upon my glistening façade: We’re about to kick your ass.

Maybe you missed it when we got CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield to promise free coronavirus testing for everyone, regardless of insurance. At first, he resisted us, but we showed him that a total slate of coronavirus testing costs a minimum of $1,331, which would be completely unaffordable for the average American. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, bitch. He knows it, and like a sapling, he bent to our will.

Or the time when we made JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon try to explain how a teller working at his bank making $16.50 an hour is supposed to pay the bills while he makes $31 million a year (spoiler alert: she can’t).

You know Katie did her homework and that we came to play. I might not be a piece of graph paper, but we’re definitely plotting something.

Maybe she’s tired, you thought. Maybe she’ll go easy on me. But as soon as you stutter, “Uh, uh, I’ll have to get back to you on that,” out I come. Sure, it’s awkward to hold me and speak into that weird, snaky microphone that always seems to be wherever your mouth is not, but Katie’s a pro, a fucking van Gogh, and I’m a blank canvas, ready to be WERKED.

What, you can’t do long division at the drop of a hat? Katie and I can. Anyway, you should already know the answer to the question she just asked, because she sent you the memo with all of the answers last night. That would be like if a teacher passed out a doc called “Answers to the Final” instead of “Study Guide” and you still blew it, which is exactly what you’re doing right now— blowing it, big time. In this hearing, you’re going to be like an obtuse triangle, jackass. NEVER RIGHT.

Do you know how to do your job? Do you? You don’t? Oh, shit. Really? You hold the lives and futures of millions of people in your soft, sweaty hands. Did the real big cheese call out sick, or…? No, you’re all we’ve got. OK, well, then see what we’ve written now? 2 ½ x 8 × 6. Those are the dimensions of the average grave. Why? Oh, we just thought you’d want to know since you seem to be digging your own right now. You’d better strap in, sucker, because me + Katie = you’re fucked.