“It [the Coronavirus] hit the world, and we’re prepared. We’re doing a great job with it, and it will go away.” — Donald Trump, 3/10/20
So, about the Nile turning to blood. We’re told the fish are dead, and it stinks. Terrible! But don’t let the Hebrew media incite you to panic. Most of our territory is sand. The sand is fine. I think we’re in great shape. Don’t let Moses tell you different!
Shameful. That hoaxer MOSES continues to politicize the frogs that crawl about upon our bodies and in our beds and in our grain with their little slime-feet. Well, we may be knee-deep in frogs, but it is Moses who is a SNAKE. And his staff is a snake! He’s a snake holding a snake. Don’t listen to his lies. NO ONE needs to be let go.
Yes, the frogs have died in festering heaps and are now fed upon by the swarms of gnats and flies that threaten to block the sun. But we’re doing really well. Really, really professionally handled. The priests of Osiris, they say the fundamentals of the economy are strong. If you think you have the lice, the itchy crawlers, anybody that needs a test gets a test. And the tests, they’re beautiful. High priest Nebwenenef will be waiting outside the palace gates to look at your head with his beautiful nit-comb. I think the process will go very quickly!
Well, we have a few dead livestock — the camels and the donkeys and the horses and the cattle and the sheep and the goats. But, right now, it solves the food problem, you know. Tremendous amounts of supplies are already on hand. They say the flesh, the animals’ flesh, is greenish and sickly, all gristle-strings, but you can’t tell if you cook it long enough.
I think it’s important to remember that the boils, they’re just a normal plague. Just a plague, like the one that kills thousands of our people annually. And healthy people, if they’re healthy, you’ll go through a process, and you’ll be fine. And you get better, you know, by sitting around and going to work. Boils are just pestilence leaving the body.
The Pyramids aren’t going to build themselves, people! We may have the thunderstorms, yes, and the hail that pummels our works and our people into the earth. But, the workers, the builders for the pyramids, I hope they don’t change their routine. We need to go on with our normal lives.
Now, the locusts — that makes eight plagues, and I like the numbers being where they are. The locusts must surely be the last! Ignore LYING MOSES and his lie that my heart has been hardened by the Hebrew God. This is FALSE. I have the best heart. I dreamed the Dog-Man, he weighed it, and it was light, so light. Lighter than a feather!
What did I tell you — the complete darkness, it lasted only three days! We’re doing great! My advisors, they said to tell you that “this too shall pass over,” and it looks like it already did. No need to panic. The smartest people, they’re not panicking or smearing blood on their doors or whatever. I asked the priests and they don’t think anything else is coming. Or, if it does, it will only affect just a sliver of the population. The numbers are going down.
Fear not — my sons and I are ready to rule this nation forever. No more yapping from LYING MOSES. And there will be a great cry in all of Egypt, nothing like it, just the greatest cry: “That Ramses, he’s the morning and the evening star — he’s doing the best job!”