INT. MAR-A-LAGO CLUB STORE
[PRESIDENT TRUMP struts in wearing his signature white golf shirt spilling over his husky-fit elastic-waist khaki pants. ]
TRUMP: Hey — orange balls — gimme a box of those! And two of those, six of those, some of these shirts and set of those. These are all on the U.S. tax payers so get a little something for yourself too, Johnny!
[SEN. JOHN McCAIN enters, scowling]
McCAIN: No thank you. I don’t see why we have to have meetings at your resort this weekend when we’re on the precipice of World War III.
[TRUMP is distracted by a MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat on a mannequin]
TRUMP: This is the most tremendous hat I ever saw. You buy a hat like this, I bet you get jobs, jobs, jobs! It would look good on you, Johnny.
[TRUMP places the hat on McCAIN, who scowls and grumbles. ]
EXT. GOLF COURSE
[A group of military officers golf with Trump’s son-in-law JARED KUSHNER.]
COL. STEVENS: Can I ask you something, Jared?
JARED: Sure thing, Captain Jack.
COL. STEVENS: It’s Colonel Stevens. Why does the President put you in charge of some of the country’s most important, complicated problems despite your complete lack of experience or qualifications?
JARED: Let me tell you a little story, General Mills, a story about a man who amassed a fortune managing his father’s real estate investments. One day this man decided to hire a male prostitute to seduce and film a sexual encounter with his sister’s husband, a witness in a federal investigation against him. This man ended up pleading guilty to 18 counts of illegal campaign contributions, tax evasion, and witness tampering. That man was my father. Now I help him do real estate and my family is still fabulously wealthy.
COL. STEVENS: I’m not sure I follow.
[JARED throws several golf balls on the ground and begins putting them toward the hole.]
JARED: Mah mah mah mah mah money. Nah nah nah nah nah nepotism. Cah cah cah cah cah corrupt. Swah swah swah swah swah swamp.
[JARED misses each putt sending a small army of caddies chasing after the balls.]
INT. CLUB DINING ROOM
[TRUMP sits with Chinese President Xi Jinping and his entourage. He grabs a passing waitress by the crotch.]
TRUMP: Hey doll, can you throw this steak back on the grill for a couple of hours, this is rarer than a success in my administration!
[TRUMP reaches into his pocket for his buzzing phone.]
TRUMP: Assad just bombed more people with a nerve agent! This guy drops more chemicals than a Deadhead at a rave! Who thinks we should send him a big loud message? Bartender, what do I have to do to order some tomahawk missiles around here?
[McCAIN nervously approaches TRUMP.]
McCAIN: Sir, I think it would be best if we didn’t discuss sensitive, potentially classified information so openly.
TRUMP: Jeez, lighten up would ya? Who invited Senator Buzzkill?
McCAIN: You did, when you insisted we go to your club this weekend for unspecified “meetings,” meetings which have yet to have taken place.
TRUMP: What are we doing now? Let’s figure out this Syria situation. Can we nuke them? Didn’t the senate just nuke somebody? You, the 10 with the double Ds, why don’t you and I bring the ol’ nuclear football into my bedroom and play a little full contact?
[McCAIN ushers TRUMP away from the woman he is hitting on and to another room to discuss the crisis.]
TRUMP: I’m being kicked out of my own dining room! Who am I — Steve Bannon? No respect! I get no respect! I treat people very rudely and I act extremely unpresidential and in return I get not respect! It actually makes a lot sense!
EXT. GOLF COURSE FLOWER BED
[DEVIN NUNES, wearing a floppy camouflage hat and a filthy button down shirt, mutters to ornamental flowers as if they were people.]
NUNES: What an incredible Cinderella story. Devin Nunes, this unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the House Investigation into the Trump administration’s ties to Russia. But the GOP doesn’t actually want any answers, so what does he do?
[NUNES kicks a flower.]
NUNES: We focus on the leakers! The base goes wild! They eat it up for this Cinderella who’s come out of nowhere. But more and more information is surfacing about Trump associates meeting with Russian operatives. So we’re going to . . .
[NUNES kicks another flower.]
NUNES: Say Obama wiretapped him! That’s — oh, we nailed that one! We flipped the narrative! The base is on its feet for this Cinderella boy. Sweat on his face, I guess, but now people are saying Devin Nunes, Chairman of the House Committee on Intelligence, should recuse himself. People are filing ethics complaints, so what does he do…
[NUNES kicks yet another flower.]
NUNES: He steps aside but blames the Democrats and liberal activists! Then he hands the investigation over to even worse partisan Republicans! It’s in the bag! It’s in the bag!
EXT. GOLF COURSE
[McCAIN catches up to TRUMP and JARED heading out to play a round of golf.]
McCAIN: Mr. President, all you have done this whole weekend is play or watch golf! Are we going to do any business?
TRUMP: I do my best work out on the course, why don’t you play around with me, Johnny boy.
McCAIN: The injuries I sustained while a POW don’t allow me to play.
TRUMP: Oh yeah that’s right — you’re a hero because you got captured!
[TRUMP imitates McCAIN’s crippled arm.]
McCAIN: That’s it! I will not allow the American people to foot the bill for you to play golf and screw around every weekend!
TRUMP: I’ll tell ya what — if I miss this shot I’ll come in and have a meeting with you to discuss Persia or Siam or where ever it is we’re worried about these days.
[TRUMP tees off and slices the ball into the trees. PAUL RYAN, Trump’s caddy, tosses a ball toward the green. BANNON appears from behind a tree and also throws a ball toward the green.]
TRUMP: Look a that — two balls for the price of one, what a deal! I told you I close the biggest, best deals!
[Both balls roll up to the edge of hole but fall just short. DEVIN NUNES pushes down on a dynamite plunger and the shack where the press pool is confined explodes, shaking the earth and knocking both balls into the hole. Lobbyists run out to congratulate TRUMP.]
TRUMP: Hey everybody, we’re all going to get paid!"
[CUE: “I’m Alright” by Kenny Logins.]