When Moses showed up out of nowhere to shepherd “the Chosen People” out of Egypt, I had a sinking feeling that we Jews were once again “chosen” for some bullshit.

Now I know this Moses guy has hardened the Pharaoh’s heart, but on behalf of at least a few of us Hebrews, I just wanted to say we aren’t too crazy about him either. I understand why y’all aren’t on great terms with us Jews, what with our singular almighty God and our thick Brooklyn accents, but just level with me for a second. These plagues aren’t just affecting Egyptians, you know.

Turning the Nile River into blood? Damn, I used to bathe there! Well, I still do, but I can’t say I feel clean afterward. And to be honest, that’s where Ramses drowned my first-born son, so I guess it was never that great to begin with.

I will say some of the middle plagues weren’t awful. Like, the frogs weren’t so bad, but I wish Moses picked a funnier amphibian — a salamander or a newt or something. At least then it could be a bit of a laugh. And truly, the lice and flies weren’t much of a “plague” for us per se. That was more of the same daily bull us Hebrews live through here, but I can imagine that probably sucked for those of you with actual, uh, baths.

But the cattle disease. Bro, Moses knows who has to carry the corpses from the fields. We already gotta gather our own straw to make the damn mortar, and now we’re also lugging big, dead cows around. I already smelled like shit.

Now, I know it looks like only the Egyptians got hit with the boils, but let me just say that us Jews got them where you really don’t want them. Miriam was particularly pissed about this one.

I will say the flaming hail was rad as fuck.

The locusts were only rough because they ate the last of our bread. I’m trying to bake more as I write this, but Moses is being super pushy about leaving. And it’s so fucking dark! At least he could turn the sun back on first.

And listen here, Ramses, if you’re out there reading this… We all loved Jake. He was a cute kid. We told Moses that the Angel of Death was a little intense, but I guess God wanted to really twist the knife, so to speak. I’ll always remember Jake coming out to the pyramids to smack us around and call us filthy Jews. When the soldiers would do that it was horrifying, but when Jake did it we all thought it was adorable. RIP to a young king.

Anyway, it’s about time I skedaddle. Moses is getting pretty spicy, and that dude can turn his rod into a snake (very scary). Maybe the Jews and Egyptians can all meet up at the Red Sea for a quick dip, and we can put this all behind us. I know the past few hundred years of our enslavement sort of put the Pharaoh’s fam in a bad light, but I am certain nobody will remember it in time.