“Federal investigators are examining whether Rep. Matt Gaetz engaged in a relationship with a woman that began when she was 17 years old and whether his involvement with other young women broke federal sex trafficking and prostitution laws…” — CNN, 4/1/21

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At the GOP, we pride ourselves as the party of "family values,” a vague term that means we get to force women to give birth against their will and discriminate against LGBTQ people.

But recently, we’ve realized that our narrow definition of “family values” has been holding us back, and also might be confusing people. Should “family values” really mean that Matt Gaetz shouldn’t have sex with underage girls, for example? And as long as we’re asking questions, must we look askance at Matt Gaetz engaging in drug-fueled orgies in which he paid women for sex?

At first glance, it would seem that the GOP’s big tent can’t possibly expand enough to continue embracing Matt Gaetz. After all, our whole thing is “traditional values” and its nebulous associate, “Judeo Christian values.” Under the banner of these great concepts, we’ve been rolling back women’s rights and attacking transgender rights, twin issues we know will fire up our base. “Family values” is the grand concept that gets GOP voters to the polls to vote for fine upstanding fathers and husbands of wives and daughters like Roy Moore and Eric Greitens.

In fact, long before Matt Gaetz was even an entitled son weaseling his way out of a DUI charge, the GOP was already working hard on redefining family values. As far back as the 1990s, we were radically pushing the boundaries of language when Newt Gingrich led the charge against Bill Clinton’s infidelity whilst having an affair. Back then, of course, our guys would never have admitted to affairs or anything that fell outside the parameters of sanctioned marital relationships.

But things are different now.

The GOP is changing. It’s no longer important to avoid sordid sex scandals, and it’s not even necessary to hide them. The “party of family values” is altered forever, and it’s all thanks to our glorious paradigm of Republican values, Donald Trump.

Remember Donald Trump? Assault-women-by-the-genitals, paid-off-a-porn-star, talks-about-wanting-to-sleep-with-his-daughter, accused-of-multiple-counts-of-rape-and-assault Donald Trump? Yes, that one.

Thanks to Trump, the GOP is no longer bound to the old rules, which required men to marry and be faithful husbands and devoted family men. We know it might seem as if our definition of “family values” is entirely untethered from its original meaning. It might even appear as if we at the GOP were utter hypocrites, morally bereft, and void of any principles whatsoever.

But that’s not true at all! When you stop to think about it — a pastime which we actively discourage — we’re actually just getting back to basics. Unlike those hedonist Democrats who are destroying society with a cocktail of human rights and social safety nets that would help the vulnerable, let it not be said of the GOP that we stand for nothing!

We are very much still the party of family values. We’re simply redefining “family values” to reflect what the term actually meant in the first place. Would it be helpful to spell it out? Here you go:

GOP family values
values that mandate that a woman should marry a man and provide him with sex and free domestic labor

See? That wasn’t so hard. GOP family values are so easy! Just remember that anything that threatens the definition of GOP family values is bad and evil and culture wars and will destroy civilization.

Hear that, Matt Gaetz? You’re good to go. Show your buddies some more nude photos. Roy Moore?  Head back to the mall and keep on keepin’ on. And, Donald ? Well, you’re our North Star now, so go ahead and ask Ivanka if she’s free tonight.