Could I have everyone’s attention for a second? Thanks. Scott, can we lose the iPod? This won’t take long. I appreciate it.

OK, so we’ve all gotten to know each other pretty well over the course of the past eighteen hours. We’ve shared a lot of ideas and feelings. Janice, I think you were very brave for telling Kevin how his job is putting distance between the two of you. And Kevin, you need to know how strong you’re being right now. It’s amazing. Seeing you open up like this is inspiring. But, despite this, I really would like to refocus the group’s attention on the matter at hand, which is that I’m robbing you and holding you hostage in your own home.

I think it’s fairly clear at this point that I didn’t expect this to take such a personal turn. During the weeks I spent parked down the block from your house studying your schedules, I assumed that this would be a standard job. I come to the door and pretend to need to read your meter. You invite me in. I knock out Dad and make Mom tie him up while I use a lot of alarming profanity. But as I got to know all of you and began to understand some of the very powerful emotions that are floating around in this family, I honestly felt like I had been sent here for a reason. That is, a reason other than binding you with a large amount of duct tape and taking your valuables.

Janice, I can tell by the way you tried to seduce me when we were in the kitchen to lull me into a false sense of confidence that you are truly concerned about your family. But how about directing some of that sensual energy towards your husband? Kevin told me about how you’ve seemed sexually distant over the past few months just before I plunged his head into the toilet because he wouldn’t tell me where the safe was. Kevin loves you Janice. If he were conscious right now he would tell you himself. And I’m sure you love him too. But you need to realize that you share a physical bond that needs to be maintained as much as your emotional one.

And Scott and Emily, I know you can sense the tension in your parents’ marriage, but don’t take it out on each other. Emily, do you remember what you said when I told you that I would break Scott’s finger if you tried to run again? You told me to go ahead and do it. You might have elaborated on that, but that’s when I stuffed socks in your mouth. I’m sure if you had been able to speak it would have been much of the same. I don’t know if you know this about your brother, Emily, but he is a sensitive soul. He wants to be your friend but he’s worried that if he tries you’ll just shut him down. I see that you’re shaking your head in disagreement. You don’t believe me. Trust me, Scott doesn’t have to say anything. His urine-soaked pants speak volumes.

And Scott, you can’t let Emily get to you all the time. She’s a teenage girl and she’s going to say things just to upset you. But she doesn’t mean them. She wants to be your friend too. But if all she ever sees in her brother is a victim who can’t even stand up to a man with a high-caliber handgun who keeps cracking open pills and sniffing them, then she’ll just keep doing it, I promise you.

I just think that there is too much love here to waste on fighting. You are all unique, beautiful people who have been brought together in this family and you need to enjoy it. I know it sounds trite, but life is too short! This experience should have made that painfully obvious. Especially for Kevin, who will probably need to have his jaw reset. So break down these walls and open up to each other! It’s not that hard.

Things have gotten really real in here. I’m proud of all of us. I’m going to take your car now and go, but remember everything I said. I love you all. Oh, and if you call the police I will come back and burn this place to the ground.