Appearance is very important when performing a heist. Sure, you don’t want anyone to see you when you steal the millions of dollars/jewels/Fabergé egg, that’s just common sense. But what about you? Don’t you want to feel good about yourself? Studies show that people do their best work when they feel confident about their appearance. Also, you might get caught on camera. Do you want the security guards and eventually the FBI or Interpol to scratch their heads under their fedoras and exclaim, “Blast! I cannot believe we were had by such a slipshod individual!” or do you want them to adjust their horn-rimmed glasses and say, “My! I can easily see how such a dapper person could hoodwink us!” The good news is that you don’t have to bother with hair or makeup, as you will be wearing a mask. However, make sure that the mask is tight fitting and black. You want to emphasize the shape of your face, especially if you have a strong jaw line. Honestly, you might want to apply a little eyeliner as well, it makes for a nice dramatic effect. Most boys who sing on the television nowadays can tell you that.

Next, assemble a team of trusted cronies who are as wise-cracking as they are attractive. Breaking and entering skill is almost secondary. You’ll be spending a lot of time with these people, planning, scheming, heisting, so you want to make sure they are the best possible companions for you. Also, be good-looking in your own way, so that the other individuals’ beauty does not overshadow yours, but merely serves as a complement, like the stars to the moon.

You should, however, be the smartest person on your team because, as their leader, you have to make sure that they show the proper deference to you. For example, if you said, “Let’s break into the Bellagio in Las Vegas during the busiest night of the year,” you’d want them to say, “Sure, but will I have time to eat my shrimp cocktail when we’re there?”

And you can say, “Yes, Brad Pitt, you can. Near constantly. Also, why do you insist on eating all of the time when we’re on heists, as we have worked together before?”

And he can say, “Because I require a quirky character trait to detract from my startling and overwhelming beauty, because you are the leader and I cannot suck the light away from you with my handsome face and body even though you yourself are very handsome and much smarter than I.”

And you will say, “Correct, Brad Pitt. That’s why you’re on my team.”

You also have to hire Brad Pitt as your second in command.

Next, have an ulterior motive. This can be a personal or social vendetta. Say the person or organization you’re stealing from served as a Nazi bank in WWII and you think it’s payback time, literally and figuratively. That would be an example of a social vendetta. However, let’s say the owner of the casino you’re about to rip off is now seriously dating the love of your life. And although you pushed her away with your constant heisting, you cannot bear to see her with him. That is why you will somehow win her back by stealing tens of millions of dollars from him, which inherently assumes that she’s just with him for the money and that doesn’t make her the kind of person you’d really want to be with, but whatever.

You want to keep a personal vendetta secret. A social vendetta is probably a good calling card to assemble a crack team. Who doesn’t want to get back at the Nazi’s? I bet Denzel Washington would if he didn’t always play a cop. Though sometimes he plays a crooked cop, so I take that back. Denzel would be on board.

If your personal vendetta gets out to the rest of the team, the integrity of the heist could be compromised. They don’t want to have anything to do with your love life because if there’s one thing professional heisters know it’s to keep business and pleasure completely separate. And women are dangerous! Almost more dangerous than the dangerous casino owner you’re heisting! As you’re incredibly good looking and charming, you won’t have to do much explaining to smooth things over with your team, but who needed that little argument? Not you. Just make sure that you don’t sweat. You’re wearing a tux.

Next, in an elaborate plan that involves multiple decoys, some even fooling your team, and some just for fun because they are not really necessary to the heist, steal the millions of dollars, avoiding several near disasters simply with your panache and luck.

Then get the girl and go live in Connecticut and ponder how you really don’t have exactly what you want, even though you thought you would. Then repeat. Twice.