Know all people of civil comportment that I, a toymonger and futur-ist, opine the following baubles and playthings shall mollify the leaden monotony of mannerly gentlechildren’s lives—not waifs!—in some One Hundred years, during the Nineteen Nineties.

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• Pocket Slave from the Orient!

• For teaching children lessons of Patience and the Proprietorship of another Soul

• Attend to its hygiene. Feed it a Daily morsel. Fashionable egg shape!

• Upon Death it spoils not!

The Fur Beast

• Obedient monster that speaks!

• Available in the gayest of hues. Good for comforting a lonely widow.

• Carries no infectious afflictions except that of laughter.

• More clever than an Indian.

Pubescent Ectotherms Most Deform-ed!

• Delightful to eat or to play.

• Rich in cartilage! Learned in the martial arts.

• Fingers that are greatly amusing in appearance! Upright in posture, reptilian anatomy.

• God’s perverse creations or the devil’s dopey minions?

“The Gak” All-Purpose Ooze.

• A powerfull curative. The secret of the healthfull!

• Vibrant greene color comes from many necessary vitamins.

• Soothes burning of the throate and treats the swelling of gout.

• Now with improv-ed flavor! Feign sneeze into handkerchief as a memorable follie!

• Similar tar compounds sell for as much as ten cents.

• “The Gak” costs only six cents! Acquire at any druggist.

POG Brand Betting Discs

• “The Choice of the Irish”

• Gambling diversion for gentlemen of eight years or elder.

• Instructions for gameplay:

Ffirst: Each man places one POG into stack with its face down.

2ndlee: Each man then throws iron “Slam POG” onto stack with tremendous force.

3rdlie: Any POG which the man causes to face upward becomes his prop’ty.

4thlie: POGs may then be traded for opium, germander leaves, dark licorice, juice from rough sloes, different POGs, hair, taste-full meat, treacle, or Indian teeth.

Anything else they may not be traded for.

Razor-Style Velocipede

• Personal “Scoot” Conveyance. Fun for boys and not girls.

• “The new pushing-hoop-around-with-stick,” says Harper’s Magazine.

• Moves swift-lee from here to there. Made from state-of-the-art alumine metal.

• Eats less than a horse.