Know all people of civil comportment that I, a toymonger and futur-ist, opine the following baubles and playthings shall mollify the leaden monotony of mannerly gentlechildren’s lives—not waifs!—in some One Hundred years, during the Nineteen Nineties.
• Pocket Slave from the Orient!
• For teaching children lessons of Patience and the Proprietorship of another Soul
• Attend to its hygiene. Feed it a Daily morsel. Fashionable egg shape!
• Upon Death it spoils not!
The Fur Beast
• Obedient monster that speaks!
• Available in the gayest of hues. Good for comforting a lonely widow.
• Carries no infectious afflictions except that of laughter.
• More clever than an Indian.
Pubescent Ectotherms Most Deform-ed!
• Delightful to eat or to play.
• Rich in cartilage! Learned in the martial arts.
• Fingers that are greatly amusing in appearance! Upright in posture, reptilian anatomy.
• God’s perverse creations or the devil’s dopey minions?
“The Gak” All-Purpose Ooze.
• A powerfull curative. The secret of the healthfull!
• Vibrant greene color comes from many necessary vitamins.
• Soothes burning of the throate and treats the swelling of gout.
• Now with improv-ed flavor! Feign sneeze into handkerchief as a memorable follie!
• Similar tar compounds sell for as much as ten cents.
• “The Gak” costs only six cents! Acquire at any druggist.
POG Brand Betting Discs
• “The Choice of the Irish”
• Gambling diversion for gentlemen of eight years or elder.
• Instructions for gameplay:
Ffirst: Each man places one POG into stack with its face down.
2ndlee: Each man then throws iron “Slam POG” onto stack with tremendous force.
3rdlie: Any POG which the man causes to face upward becomes his prop’ty.
4thlie: POGs may then be traded for opium, germander leaves, dark licorice, juice from rough sloes, different POGs, hair, taste-full meat, treacle, or Indian teeth.
Anything else they may not be traded for.
• Personal “Scoot” Conveyance. Fun for boys and not girls.
• “The new pushing-hoop-around-with-stick,” says Harper’s Magazine.
• Moves swift-lee from here to there. Made from state-of-the-art alumine metal.
• Eats less than a horse.