Glass Half-Full Moon

Marking the beginning of spring, this moon is proof that nothing ever changes for the better. It’s the same rock that shone on plagues and meteors that randomly decimated life on Earth. One day, maybe tomorrow, it will rise on the obliteration of humankind. A nocturnal billboard for your powerlessness.

Full of It Moon

A big, lying, in your face moon that will wake you up at 3 AM telling you it’s the sun. Don’t even bother with eyeshades and blackout curtains. Nothing works with this bully. This moon doesn’t even think it’s lying. It hears birds singing at midnight and it’s like: I am a ball of fire!

Full-Stomach Moon

Bloated, prominent, undeniable. This moon has eaten everything you love. Its shamelessly exposed belly holds your dreams. It also won’t let you forget you can’t stop using bad judgment around cake and beer. It seems to get bigger the longer you look at it, but that’s just an illusion, like love.

Full-Throttle Moon

This moon will seem to move very quickly across the sky but that’s just you getting older and time passing faster. It’s all pretty meaningless and soon everyone you know will be dead. The song got it wrong: all moons see you standing alone.

Inbox-Full Moon

A smug reminder of all your unfinished business. This nagging moon shines feebly with all the strength of a laptop in power-save mode. Don’t count on this useless moon to light your way anywhere. You’ll trip and break your leg and end up further behind.

Full-Throated Moon

The year’s loudest moon. Its brightness inspires humans to wolf-howl, and their neighbors to mistake them for rabid coyotes and fire guns into the backyard. We’re so out of touch with nature it will kill us. Soon all the birds will be extinct so before this moon rises you might as well pour cement in your ears.