Beowulf, a new prose translation into Gen Z.

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Fam. The Spear-Danes in, like, pre-Boomer days
And the kings who ruled them served courage and greatness, straight facts.
We have heard of these princes’ GOAT campaigns

There was Shield Sheafson, canceler of many tribes,
A high-key shredder of mead benches, flexing all over foes.
This dragger of the hall-troops had come far.
A smol bean to start with, he would glow up hard later on
As his powers got fire af and his rizz went viral. Legend.
In the end, each group chat on the outlying coasts
Beyond the whale road had to simp for him
And begin to pay tribute. That was one absolute unit of a king. I stan.

Afterward, a boy-child was born to Shield #boydad,
A cub in the yard fr, a comfort sent
By God to that nation. He knew what they had coped with,
The cringe drama they’d come through
Without a leader; so the Lordt of Life,
The realest Almighty, made this man give main character energy.
Shield had fathered a son with mad drip:
Beow’s name was bussin through the north, a whole mood.
And a young prince must be woke like that,
Sharing that bread with his homies while his father lives
So that afterwards in age when peeps get salty and opps start catching hands
A squad of BDE companions will stand beside him #iykyk
And hold the line. Passing a vibe check
Is the path to power among people everywhere, no cap.

TL;DR: Beow (@Beowulf on TT) rolls up to this cottagecore spot called Heorot, where this utter savage named Grendel has been in his villain era, literally eating fools up. Beowulf drops Grendel MMA-style—and bruh, he yeets his arm right tf off. And then on God this MF goes to Grendel’s mom’s house and deadass k*lls her, too. 💀💀💀 No chill whatsoever.

So Beowulf becomes king, and by the time he’s a silver fox, a dragon starts spitting flames all over the kingdom. Big yikes. Beowulf and his crew try to k*ll the dragon, but fire breath hits different, and they take an L.

Most of Beowulf’s crew is shook, but he and his wingman Wiglaf try again and spoiler alert: They slay the scaly boi, but Beowulf gets unalived.

And that’s the tea.