These bananas are perfect for making banana bread, so I will toss them in the freezer for a few months until I’m ready to pull them out and throw them straight into the trash can. In the meantime, they’ll take up a bunch of space, and I’ll look at them and think, These stupid bananas. I’d like to make a banana loaf because, man, are those delicious warmed up with butter, but I have never made one in my life, will never make one before my dying breath, and don’t even own a loaf pan.

Banana muffins seem like a great little snack for someone who’s a better person than me. I bet someone who comes home at the end of their workday and places their dirty clothes into the hamper rather than piling them on the chair in the corner of the bedroom for the next three weeks would whip up some mean banana muffins. Those little babies would be so soft and fluffy with whatever ingredients make them that way, including these rock-hard, freezer-burned bananas that I will never touch again.

This old ball-and-chain bunch of spotted bananas will never see the light of day until I move to a different apartment and clean out the freezer. It will feel so good to pare down on these frost-bitten relics, which will last until I see another ripe banana that I’ll squirrel away like a scared animal trying to survive the winter months.

I don’t have any of the ingredients I would need to make a banana loaf except for these frozen, wearisome bananas from three years ago, but it’s a start. Luckily, I have all the time in the world to collect the other ingredients while these honeys sleep the years away without aging a day. Other things I will need are the pan, baking powder, vanilla extract, and a different personality. My mouth waters at the thought of peeling the top off a steamy banana muffin and diving into that bad boy, but unfortunately, the years are flying by with no muffins in sight.

If I had a kid, I could use these lifeless bananas to make baby food for my little duckling. I bet the type of people who pour their bacon grease into a tin can and then do whatever you do with that rather than dumping it down the drain while whistling a tune would make baby food themselves with these bananas. The other things I’d need would be a food processor, Tupperware, and a child.

Oops, apparently you’re supposed to peel the bananas before freezing them? I threw all those jokers in there, clothes on. What a waste of a perfectly good bushel of bruised, sickly bananas I would never have used as long as I remain on this earth. I guess I might as well toss them when I muster the desire to stick my arm in the freezer and retrieve them, which I will do later down the road on this crazy journey called life.