SCENE: A large banquet hall, the table set for brunch. Enter HAMLET, QUEEN GERTRUDE.

GERTRUDE: What a lovely brunch! I wouldst too have enjoyed a brunch for Mother’s Day, instead of another plaster cast of thy handprints.

HAMLET: But I thought thou lovedst receiving handprint art every single year.

GERTRUDE: Thy handprints stopped being cute in second grade. I’m just saying, a mimosa wouldst have been nice. Not that thou ever thought to ask what I wantedst.

HAMLET: Mom, look, I’ll buy thee a mimosa tomorrow. This brunch, it’s a whole thing that I can’t explain yet — quick, sit, here cometh my uncle Claudius.

Trumpets sound. Enter KING CLAUDIUS.

CLAUDIUS: O, this Father’s Day brunch! It smells to heaven! ‘Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet. In filial obligation I shall eat these waffles with smiley faces. For as King I have also taken on the burden of being thy Father—

HAMLET: (coughs) Murderer.

CLAUDIUS: Didst thou say something?

HAMLET: I said, “More maple syrup?” Didst thou try the wine yet?

HAMLET pours glass of poison wine.

GERTRUDE: I wouldst take some wine—

HAMLET: MOM, NO! I mean — the wine ist only for my dear stepfather, the King.

GERTRUDE: No mimosa, now I can’t even have a glass of wine. I was only in labor with thee for sixteen hours and epidurals haven’t been invented yet. But it’s fine, don’t thee worry about me.

CLAUDIUS: Are ye two finished yet? I’m trying to have a soliloquy here.

HAMLET looks glumly at his feet and mutters under his breath

CLAUDIUS: Now, as I wast sayeth-ing. O, on this Father’s Day, we with wisest sorrow think on my burden, together with remembrance of how hard it hath been for me. To become a father now that mine own brother is but two months dead—

HAMLET: (coughs) Because you killed him.

CLAUDIUS: What wast that?

HAMLET: I said, thou didst kill my father!

CLAUDIUS: O, not this again.

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off. Hast thou been watching conspiracy theory videos on ThouTube?

HAMLET: Yes, thou shouldst watch the one about how Avril Lavigne was replaced by a clone. But also, I now have true evidence that Claudius killed my father!

CLAUDIUS: I should have known thou would make my first Father’s Day all about thyself.

GERTRUDE: Canst we ever just have a nice family meal?


CLAUDIUS: Art thou serious? I can’t even believe thou invited him.

HAMLET: Zombie Ghost of My Father, King Hamlet, tell us who did kill thee.

GHOST: Mark me.

HAMLET: I will.

GHOST: O, sulphorous and tormenting flames—

HAMLET: Get to the murder part already.

GHOST: O, right. Horrible, horrible! It was mine own brother! Whomst to tell thee truthfully, wast always kind of an asshole.

HAMLET: Murder!

GHOST: Murder!

HAMLET: Murder! (pause) Wait, Dad, thou kindst of have an eyeball hanging off there—

GHOST: O, how embarrassing. Did I get it?

HAMLET: No it’s right — just let me fix it.

(Tucks GHOST’s eyeball back into its socket)

HAMLET: See, Mom? The serpent that stung my father’s life was mine own uncle!

GERTRUDE: It wast kindst of weird that Claudius wanted to hit it with his brother’s wife. O this family, ye drive me to drink!

(Drinks poison wine, dies.)

HAMLET: MOM! NOOOO! O, what have I done?

(Drinks poison wine, dies.)

CLAUDIUS looks around, shrugs, goes back to eating his waffles.