SCENE: A large banquet hall, the table set for brunch. Enter HAMLET, QUEEN GERTRUDE.
GERTRUDE: What a lovely brunch! I wouldst too have enjoyed a brunch for Mother’s Day, instead of another plaster cast of thy handprints.
HAMLET: But I thought thou lovedst receiving handprint art every single year.
GERTRUDE: Thy handprints stopped being cute in second grade. I’m just saying, a mimosa wouldst have been nice. Not that thou ever thought to ask what I wantedst.
HAMLET: Mom, look, I’ll buy thee a mimosa tomorrow. This brunch, it’s a whole thing that I can’t explain yet — quick, sit, here cometh my uncle Claudius.
Trumpets sound. Enter KING CLAUDIUS.
CLAUDIUS: O, this Father’s Day brunch! It smells to heaven! ‘Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet. In filial obligation I shall eat these waffles with smiley faces. For as King I have also taken on the burden of being thy Father—
HAMLET: (coughs) Murderer.
CLAUDIUS: Didst thou say something?
HAMLET: I said, “More maple syrup?” Didst thou try the wine yet?
HAMLET pours glass of poison wine.
GERTRUDE: I wouldst take some wine—
HAMLET: MOM, NO! I mean — the wine ist only for my dear stepfather, the King.
GERTRUDE: No mimosa, now I can’t even have a glass of wine. I was only in labor with thee for sixteen hours and epidurals haven’t been invented yet. But it’s fine, don’t thee worry about me.
CLAUDIUS: Are ye two finished yet? I’m trying to have a soliloquy here.
HAMLET looks glumly at his feet and mutters under his breath
CLAUDIUS: Now, as I wast sayeth-ing. O, on this Father’s Day, we with wisest sorrow think on my burden, together with remembrance of how hard it hath been for me. To become a father now that mine own brother is but two months dead—
HAMLET: (coughs) Because you killed him.
CLAUDIUS: What wast that?
HAMLET: I said, thou didst kill my father!
CLAUDIUS: O, not this again.
GERTRUDE: Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off. Hast thou been watching conspiracy theory videos on ThouTube?
HAMLET: Yes, thou shouldst watch the one about how Avril Lavigne was replaced by a clone. But also, I now have true evidence that Claudius killed my father!
CLAUDIUS: I should have known thou would make my first Father’s Day all about thyself.
GERTRUDE: Canst we ever just have a nice family meal?
Enter THE GHOST OF HAMLET’S FATHER.
CLAUDIUS: Art thou serious? I can’t even believe thou invited him.
HAMLET: Zombie Ghost of My Father, King Hamlet, tell us who did kill thee.
GHOST: Mark me.
HAMLET: I will.
GHOST: O, sulphorous and tormenting flames—
HAMLET: Get to the murder part already.
GHOST: O, right. Horrible, horrible! It was mine own brother! Whomst to tell thee truthfully, wast always kind of an asshole.
HAMLET: Murder! (pause) Wait, Dad, thou kindst of have an eyeball hanging off there—
GHOST: O, how embarrassing. Did I get it?
HAMLET: No it’s right — just let me fix it.
(Tucks GHOST’s eyeball back into its socket)
HAMLET: See, Mom? The serpent that stung my father’s life was mine own uncle!
GERTRUDE: It wast kindst of weird that Claudius wanted to hit it with his brother’s wife. O this family, ye drive me to drink!
(Drinks poison wine, dies.)
HAMLET: MOM! NOOOO! O, what have I done?
(Drinks poison wine, dies.)
CLAUDIUS looks around, shrugs, goes back to eating his waffles.