Twenty-five dollars, twenty-five dollars, do I hear twenty-five dollars? Twenty-five dollars! Thirty-five, thirty-five, can I get thirty-five dollars for this wonderful, still-beating heart? This lovely, gently used, ready-for-transplant heart? Thirty-five dollars! Forty, can I get forty dollars? Come on now, bidders, come on now, take a closer look at this heart, this gently used heart, its only damage a slight tear in the left pulmonary artery, caused by the death of one, let me see here, ah yes, one dog, just a slight tear, no deaths of actual humans, just one small Yorkshire terrier. Forty dollars! Forty-five dollars, do I hear forty-five dollars? Look here, folks, look at the healthy shine here on this aorta. I haven’t seen one like that in weeks! Forty-five dollars! Do I hear fifty? Fifty dollars, anyone? Listen here, folks, I’ve been auctioning gently used hearts a long time, a long time, folks, and, let me tell you, this is one well-taken-care-of, well-protected heart. The only damage is this slight tear, just a slight tear, here on the left pulmonary artery, caused by the death of a dog. No actual humans now, folks, no humans! Are you sitting there with a heart that’s all torn up and beaten down because you’ve had a bunch of actual human deaths? Then this is the heart for you! Fifty dollars! That’s the ticket! Do I hear fifty-five dollars? Let me tell you, folks, let me tell you, I’ve seen hearts that have been torn up, torn down, and I’ve seen hearts that have been cheated on, hearts that have done the cheating, hearts that lost their parents, hearts that lost their legs, hearts that caught cancer, hearts whose children died, hearts that went bankrupt, hearts that were murdered, hearts that lied, lied, lied, but, let me tell you, this heart, this here heart, is a fine heart. Just one slight tear in the left pulmonary artery, caused by the death of one small Yorkshire terrier! Can you imagine? A dog! Fifty-five dollars! Do I hear sixty? No one with sixty? Fifty-five dollars going once … Fifty-five dollars going twice … Sold! Sold to the gentleman dressed in black! Sir, you may pay by cash or check and pick up your new heart at the counter next to the popcorn stand.
NYC/BROOKLYN: Come see a night of McSweeney’s humor at the powerHouse Arena, featuring a cavalcade of Tendency contributors from our new anthology KEEP SCROLLING TILL YOU FEEL SOMETHING. October 19th, 6 pm.
February 14, 2008
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