Jonny’s legal advisers hereby inform you of Jonny’s wish that you enjoy a happy Valentine’s Day, as well as the enclosed small personal gift.*
*- If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny’s girlfriend, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny’s legal advisers is prohibited, and punishable by state, federal, and/or international laws.
As a designated recipient of this memo, you are immediately and indefinitely subject to the conditions, provisions, constraints, liabilities, responsibilities, and limitations of this memo as set forth by Jonny’s legal advisers, as outlined below. This memo supersedes all other comparable Valentine’s Day memos, verbal or written, between you and Jonny.
Regulations in some states and/or ongoing federal investigations may require Jonny to disclose certain personal information, including but not limited to bank-account numbers, Social Security numbers, previous tax records, medical histories, Internet-browsing histories, and/or investment portfolios, belonging to the recipient(s) of this memo. By reading this memo, you acknowledge and permit such disclosure.
Small personal gift may contain tracking device and/or computer viruses and/or self-destruct hardware.
Destroying, selling, disposing of, or tampering with small personal gift is a felony, punishable by a fine up to $200,000 and/or 10 years in prison.
Certain outcomes of certain investigations may require you to return your small personal gift and indefinitely deny its existence.
Small personal gift has no cash value.
All information contained in this memo is confidential. Disclosure of the information contained herein to anyone is forbidden, and may be considered to be in contempt of California state courts, federal court, and/or ongoing national-security investigations. Recipients of this memo are hereby advised that they may be monitored via video, wiretapping, and/or other forms of electronic surveillance.
Please do not reply to this memo via e-mail, as Jonny no longer has the time or the computer access necessary to check any e-mail account(s). Be advised that if you do reply to Jonny via e-mail, your reply may be monitored by private investigators and/or the FBI, the CIA, the DHS, and/or the NSA.
To schedule a personal Valentine’s Day visit with Jonny, please call the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation Visitor Line, at 1-800-555-8474, between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. Refer to inmate No. 4529-98-43-0782.
Please do not forward this memo, or mention any part of it, to any relatives of Jonny.
Be advised that Valentine’s Day gifts sent to Jonny (via the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation) will be searched and examined, and then sold at auction, and that the funds gained from selling said gifts will be used to fund Jonny’s legal team. All such gifts are appreciated.
Recipients of this memo are required by state and federal laws to sign, date, and notarize this memo and to return it via registered, insured mail, by February 28, 2008, to Jonny’s legal advisers, c/o Office of the Clerk, U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit, P.O. Box 193939, San Francisco, CA 94119. Recipients are also obligated to include their 2006 and 2007 IRS tax records. Recipients may keep blue copy for personal records, and yellow copy for legal records. All other copies must be returned.
This memo is for general Valentine’s Day purposes only, and is valid in perpetuity as of February 14, 2008.
Jonny is not liable for any physical, emotional, medical, financial, legal, or psychological damage resulting from this memo.
All rights reserved. Copyright 2008, Jonny’s legal advisers.