“President-elect Donald Trump’s team is struggling so hard to book A-list performers for his inaugural festivities that it offered ambassadorships to at least two talent bookers if they could deliver marquee names…” — TheWrap
Tokyo! It’s an honor to be back at the Budokan Arena!
How’s everybody feeling out there? Are you ready to have a good time tonight?
Would you say that there’s anything the United States could unilaterally do to improve its perception with the Japanese citizenry?
You know us: We’re Cheap Trick, and we’re here to rock!
But we are also here, in an official diplomatic capacity, to assure high-level Japanese government officials that America is working toward legislation that would greatly benefit the Osaka shipping industry!
Throw your lighters in the sky for the Nippon Yusen global logistics company, rocking and rolling and reliably transporting multi-ton automotive cargo since 1957!
Two months ago, we were playing the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas when our manager came to us with an irresistible offer: If we did one January gig in Washington D.C., we’d get a free Lincoln Town Car that we could park in front of fire hydrants.
Little did we know, that gig also came with a Japanese ambassadorship. So before we launch into “Daddy Should Have Stayed in High School,” we want to thank the Trump administration for this awesome opportunity!
We’re thrilled to be serving our nation along with Afroman, the official Ambassador to Jamaica, and Swedish Ambassador Ace of Base. We’re stoked to see those guys at upcoming state dinners, and also at VH1’s Where Are They Now? Summerfest, this August in Tallahassee.
You know, earlier today someone asked us: “Hey Cheap Trick, how do you maintain your energy as a rock band after 39 years? Also: The Japanese police arrested me with a baggie of ecstasy inside a Nagasaki video game arcade; can you convince the prefecture judge to release me on bail?”
And do you know what we said to him? We said, “Surrender! Surrender! But don’t give yourself away!”
In addition, we told him to remain calm and that we would arrange for qualified legal counsel.
Honestly, acting as America’s formal representative in a foreign nation hasn’t always been easy. We’ve gotten several late-night noise complaints from our uptight neighbors, the Dutch. And American tourists are always hassling us for stuff, like autographs, and selfies, and replacement passports after theirs were stolen by Yakuza pickpockets at Tokyo Disneyland.
Still, even though we’re ambassadors now, nothing beats the rush we get from performing for our fans — not even flashing our diplomatic immunity cards to the owner of a karaoke parlor who’s irate that we set the VIP lounge on fire.
And hey, Japan? We want to hear your requests tonight! Just shout ’em out! Do you wanna hear us play “Dream Police”? Do you want a vast simplification of the U.S. Green Card process for Japanese STEM students attending American universities? Do you want a Chick-Fil-A at the Narita Airport food court? Let us hear it, Tokyo!
Budokan Arena, we’re almost out of time — just like several mutually beneficial trade deals brokered in the 1990s that expire in 2018.
But that doesn’t mean we won’t be back. We love playing for our Japanese fans, and also, we are obligated via longstanding diplomatic tradition to establish permanent residence within this nation.
We’re gonna close with our hit song, “I Want You to Want Me.” And we want you to want us — just like we also want you to want limited American military presence at Japanese army bases as a precaution against Chinese and North Korean incursions into your sovereignty.
Thank you, Japan! After-party at the embassy — the Dutch be damned!