911 DISPATCHER: 911, what’s your emergency?
CALLER: Oh, God! Oh, God! He swallowed all of them!
911 DISPATCHER: Ma’am, please calm down. What is your name?
CALLER: It’s Margaret McRead. Peggy for short.
911 DISPATCHER: Margaret, what’s happening?
CALLER: Really, I prefer Peggy. My son — he swallowed my Pinterest pins!
911 DISPATCHER: Is he breathing, ma’am?
CALLER: Yes, he is Living, Loving, Breathing on a piece of distressed, recycled wood.
911 DISPATCHER: I’m not understanding, Margaret. How many pins are in his mouth?
CALLER: So many! Apple Pie Quesadillas, Chicken Cordon Bleu Lasagna Roll-Ups, and an Autumnal Mimosa Bar With Several Garnish Options, Including Pomegranate Seeds. I think he may have even gotten to the French Bread Pizza Mummies! And the No-Bake Gingerbread Cheesecake!
911 DISPATCHER: How did he get hold of them, ma’am?
CALLER: I just stepped away for a second. I usually log out.
911 DISPATCHER: How many things have you pinned, ma’am?
CALLER: Well, I —
911 DISPATCHER: Were there Things to Do With Leggings That Involve Arms?
CALLER: They’re just ideas!
911 DISPATCHER: Could he have gotten to the Fun Braids for an Appendix Removal?
CALLER: I swear, this was all an accident.
911 DISPATCHER: Did he swallow the No Country for Old Men Centerpiece Ideas?
911 DISPATCHER: Listen to me carefully. Has his color changed?
CALLER: Yes, he’s Nantucket Fog and Warm Stone. It’s the color scheme for our living room.
911 DISPATCHER: Have you considered Paradiso by Benjamin Moore? It’s quite elegant.
CALLER: That dries too blue, dammit! For the love of everything holy, send help now!
911 DISPATCHER: Is your son able to talk? Ask him to say something.
CALLER: Liam Noah Ethan McRead, say something right now! Anything! (pause) Oh, my God.
911 DISPATCHER: What’s going on, ma’am?
CALLER: He keeps saying ideas for an outdoor winter festival.
911 DISPATCHER: Margaret, try to get him —
CALLER: Snow globe balloons.
911 DISPATCHER: Peggy —
CALLER: Pine cone place cards.
911 DISPATCHER: Stay with me, Peg!
CALLER: The blue Jell-O will look just like an ice rink.
911 DISPATCHER: No, you should use clear Jell-O for that. Help is on the way.