I want to start by saying that I hear you. I’m not listening, but I definitely do hear you. I have pretty good hearing. And vision too, but I still wear these cool glasses.

I don’t want to waste your time so let’s just jump right into it. What I did and said was definitely fucked up. But you have to understand that I’m one of the good guys. Most men are like BLECH. Because I’m comparatively better than a portion of them that are truly and objectively awful, that means it’s not really worth calling me out. We might as well consolidate our efforts to take down the bad guys. Pussy power!

Besides, I hate getting called out. It makes me feel bad. As an ally, I shouldn’t have to feel bad – because I’m an ally. Getting called out is for guys who don’t identify as allies. Did I mention that I’m trying? Well, I am. And if that’s not good enough, than what the hell! As a dude, simply trying has been good enough my whole damn life. Why are you being so mean? Just be nice to me!

It has somehow taken me three paragraphs to say this but: I am sorry. Like soooooo sorry. Sorry enough that I’m going to write you an eleven page missive (Facebook message) that takes you three hours to get through and respond. In fact, the emotional labor you put into reading that and processing it may very well outweigh the initial micro aggression in the first place. Or was it a macro aggression. I’m open to that. In the words of my favorite singer/songwriter, “you can call me out.” Haha. That’s a reference to the Paul Simon song, “You Can Call Me Al.” You’d really dig his music.

But I don’t want to just blabber away and mansplain. I hate when men do that. I actually really do want to have a conversation. I’m a huge fan of dialogue. Plus, I loved my college’s performance of The Vagina Monologues. But I wish that could have been a dialogue, too. It felt very one sided.

Lastly, I’d like to add that I’ve read Bad Feminist. Which, to be honest, might make me a good feminist? But also obviously feminism is not about ranking each other. Fuck, did I say “each other”? I’m not a woman. And I know that. Oh jeez. I should just shut up.

But I won’t. Did I mention my mom is like my hero? She worked my entire childhood so I really respect strong powerful female energy. But I’m also a third-wave feminist and feel that you can still be feminine and fierce. I guess what I’m trying to say is: this entire message is about me and making myself feel better. The good news is that think I have accomplished that and you can stop reading this shit now.

Anyhoo, let me know if you ever want to get a drink to talk more about all this. My treat. It’s not like a date or anything. Unless you want it to be ;)

Can you believe I’m actually fucking flirting with you right now?