Hey ladies, want a drink? Oh, yeah, that’s my university ID. Sure, here, check it out. That’s right, I’m part of the faculty.

Oh, I’m no adjunct. I’m an assistant professor. I know things about this university you can’t even imagine.

Do you have any idea how big my interlibrary loan privileges are? I didn’t think so. I get books longer, faster, and harder.

Check it out: this is my free bus pass.

And you wouldn’t believe the parking privileges I get with this ID. It’s badass. Especially if I had a car.

My career? Let’s just say my plans are consistent with the educational goals of the university.

Damn straight I’m on track for tenure. Soon enough, I’ll have a dozen PhD students. We’ll publish the shit out of our research.

Maybe you could work for me. If you’re qualified. I’ll have to see your curriculum vitae.

You can get in touch through my faculty homepage. It’s yadda yadda dot E D U slash tilda faculty slash Waldman. Slick, I know.

Here, hold my drink for a second. I’ve got a campus map in my pocket. My office is over here, on the third floor of the department. I’ve got office hours on Tuesday afternoons, from 3 to 6. My door’s open, especially for you.

Hold on, I just got an e-update from the University Bursar’s Electronic Payroll and Benefits Service Center. Yup: the UBEPBSC. That’s because my shit’s electronically deposited every other Friday. Word.

Anyway, I bet you’ve seen my work around campus. I do multimedia partnerships. Big time.

Interdisciplinary? That’s my middle fucking name.

Know anything cool going on campus? I do. That’s because I get administrative e-memos. I get faculty updates. I get press releases from the campus museum. Boomsticks!

And yeah, I know peeps on the Institutional Review Board. We’re close, real close.

Actually, I know all the cool cats. Deans, department chairs, administrators, chancellors, regents, provosts—I hang with all those peeps, even the president. We party hearty.

But get this. The Academic Review and Planning Advisory Committee? I’m on that shit. Maybe I can help you get your thesis approved. Or some other lab project. Whatever.

Like I said, you should drop by during my office hours. We could do some thought experiments.

Hey, our department potluck is next week. You should come with me. It’ll be sweet. Come on, let’s rock that fucker!