Hi, I’m a Billboard Lawyer. My teeth are enormous. My smile is terrifying.
My website is a menacing pun and my phone number looks like it’s from an Adam Sandler comedy.
Also, my name is Tim Bux. A name as impossible as that phone number.
I love to lie.
My favorite crimes are crimes that make you feel greasy-gross. I love the feeling of greasy-gross. If I order a burger, I want it to be both greasy and gross. I eat burgers five to ten times a week. I eat them for breakfast and violently throw fruit in the garbage because fruit is neither greasy nor gross. My hair is fucking disgusting.
My kids don’t trust me. This is smart. Parents are shit-pig police officers in disguise. Especially me. At the breakfast table, I accuse my kids of petty crimes and ask them what they should do. The only correct answer is “Crime sux, call Tim Bux!” If they answer incorrectly, I violently throw their homework in the garbage where it belongs. With the fucking fruit. Go handle your teachers without the help of Tim Bux. My kids have all repeated at least one grade. I joke about this with other parents in front of my kids. I can kind of speak Spanish.
My wife and I sail on luxury cruises seven to twenty-seven times a year. We leave our kids in the mansion to fend for themselves. They tear it to shreds. Tearing a mansion to shreds is so greasy, so gross. Their actions make me proud.
My wife loves Xanax. She’s having an affair with her therapist. That’s okay because it allows me to do revenge. Revenge is the greasiest-grossest thing a person can do. It is hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The only thing greasier-grosser is murder. Murder is hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and vitamins. So gross.
Fun fact: none of my clients are innocent.
Billing starts at $50 per minute per voice message. Message and data rates definitely apply. It’s $100 per hour to speak to me when I’m sleeping. $300 per hour to speak to me when I’m lightly dozing. Those are your only two options. I promise you will hate me. I promise I will sleep with your aunt. I eat fallen crows.
My favorite animal is a shark. Not for the reasons you think. I find sharks very attractive. If I could, I would. I did. My penis is on lease from Audi.
Emails run at $10 per word. $15 per verb. $25 per gif. You’ll love the gifs. They’re Grade-A greasy-ass filth.
My best friend is a stray possum named Tommy Bracelet. We jerk off in the sewers. I pay alimony to dozens of female rats.
Consultations with Tommy Bracelet are mandatory and not free.
Cocaine. Disco. I’m responsible for the Hindenburg.
My name is Tim Bux. Crime sux.
Please give me the finger as you drive to the airport.