(A California courtroom. JUDGE, PROSECUTOR, MR. MIYAGI, MRS. LARUSSO, BAILIFF, various COURT OBSERVERS, various COBRA KAI THUGS, and DANIEL LARUSSO are present.)
PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, we are here today regarding a pattern of abuse of minor child Daniel LaRusso by the defendant, one Mr. Miyaji. Daniel’s mother became increasingly concerned when Daniel returned from a trip to Okinawa with Miyaji—
MIYAGI: (interrupting) Miya-gi.
PROSECUTOR: Sorry, Miya-gi.
JUDGE: Mr. Miyagi, these are serious allegations and I have grave concerns with your representing yourself. You do understand that you’ve waived your right to counsel?
MIYAGI: Hai. Miyagi understand everything.
JUDGE: OK—your opening statement?
MIYAGI: Man who catch fly with chopstick—accomplish anything.
JUDGE: Of course. Prosecution, please proceed.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Miyagi, you’re very close with Daniel LaRusso, are you not?
MIYAGI: Hai, Daniel-san good boy.
PROSECUTOR: You help him with his problems—school, bullies—that sort of thing?
COBRA KAI THUG: (from court seat) Put him in a body bag! YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!
(COBRA KAI THUG is dressed in full yellow and black Cobra Kai uniform, complete with totally-rocking 80’s headband. DANIEL begins whimpering as he is prone to do. MRS. LARUSSO holds her son in her arms.)
COBRA KAI THUG: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!
JUDGE: What the hell is this?
COBRA KAI THUG: Sweep the leg, Judge! YEEEEEAAAAAH!
DANIEL: (sobbing)… please, no more, mommy… why don’t I walk on my heels like normal people…
MRS. LARUSSO: It’s OK, my little cannoli. It’s miniature golf night, remember? Just like me, you and Ali used to do.
DANIEL: … oh, awkward kiss… why did she have to use tongue…
JUDGE: (to COBRA KAI THUG) Son, sit down and stay silent or the bailiff will escort you out of my courtroom.
PROSECUTOR: Miyagi, Daniel once referred to you as quote “the best friend I ever had.”
MIYAGI: Hai. (smiling) He pretty OK too.
PROSECUTOR: Touching. The classic story of a geriatric Okinawan janitor/ninja who befriends a lonely, fifteen-year-old fatherless boy. Backbreaking labor, slumber parties, and lifelong friendship ensue.
COBRA KAI THUG: It must be take a worm for a walk week! YEEEEEAAAAAH!
(DANIEL drops to the floor, grasping his Mother’s legs. He twitches and cries.)
COBRA KAI THUG: (Being escorted out by the bailiff.) He’s a creampuff! YEEEEEAAAAAH!
(DANIEL, now blubbering hysterically on the floor in the fetal position, begins to perform the Crane Kick.)
DANIEL: … if do right, no can defend…
PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, Daniel LaRusso spent three months cleaning, sanding and painting Miyagi’s home for no compensation. Miyagi, are you familiar with California ’s child labor laws?
MIYAGI: Afraid facts mixed up. This ancient karate training technique.
PROSECUTOR: Miyagi, we have all seen the video montage of the All-Valley Karate Tournament. I failed to see Daniel display any of these so called “training techniques” in a match. I saw no “side, side.” I saw no “paint the fence.”
DANIEL: (through his tears)… I’m the best… around… nothing’s gonna ever keep me down…
PROSECUTOR: Seriously, Miyagi… not a single “wax on” or “wax off” utilized through the entire tournament?
MIYAGI: Make sacred pact: teacher say, student do. Miyagi help Daniel-san.
PROSECUTOR: Help him? By giving him a 1950 Canary Yellow Chevrolet Convertible? An extravagant gift for someone you’d only known a few months. Some Okinawans I know might expect a little something for a gift like that…
MIYAGI: Miyagi just lend helping hand.
PROSECUTOR: Helping hands that dressed the kid up as walking shower for his Halloween dance! Miyagi, who blinds a kid by dressing him up as a shower and then sends him to a place where everyone wants to kick the crap out of him? Miyagi—what did you expect to happen?
MIYAGI: Miyagi no expect nothing. Miyagi just heal boy’s soul.
JUDGE: Mr. Miyagi, I am quite disappointed at the path you have chosen to—
DANIEL: Chozen!? Chozen’s here?!? (He begins choking on tears and thrashing back and forth on the floor while attempting secret Miyagi family drum technique.)
MIYAGI: Chozen no here, Daniel-san. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus, Daniel-san. Remember battle at traditional Okinawan o-Bon dance.
DANIEL: (crying)… Miyagi said if do right no can defend, but Chozen can defend, how can Chozen defend…
MIYAGI: Daniel-san very victorious at traditional Okinawan o-Bon dance.
PROSECUTOR: Miyagi, this victory you’re referring occurred not so much at a dance, but at more of an ancient Okinawan death match, did it not?
DANIEL: … No tournament, this for real… live or die, man… why do I have zero muscularity?… HOONNNKK!
(DANIEL, suddenly livid, jumps up and back fists his mother in the mouth. He runs out in hysterics screaming, “BONSAI!” MRS. LARUSSO, now bleeding profusely, gives Miyagi the finger and hurriedly follows.)
MIYAGI: (laughing) Oh, Daniel-san! You all wet behind ear!
PROSECUTOR: No worries, Miyagi. Are we talking ancient Okinawan death match here or what?
MIYAGI: In Okinawa, all Miyagi know two things—
PROSECUTOR: I’m thinking this your good old fashioned ancient Okinawan death match… am I right? Daniel had been renovating your house for about a year—surely he was ready for a fight to the death against an angry, battle experienced, Okinawan teenage-killer.
MIYAGI: In Okinawa, belt mean no need rope hold up pants.
PROSECUTOR: Miyagi, I know what you’re thinking: “Who among us hasn’t participated in an ancient Okinawan death match or two?” Valid question, to be sure. Now did you or did you not let Daniel blow his entire college fund traveling the world to battle to the death?
MIYAGI: Daniel-san find good balance in Okinawa —break all six ice. Miyagi give back college money.
PROSECUTOR: Oh, yes, the money you won wagering with (looks at papers)… your evil mortal enemy Sato on the underground Okinawan ice-breaking circuit. Your winnings totaled 1,600 Okinawan dollars, Miyagi—that’s about 196 American dollars. You think a kid can go to college on $196? Your Honor, I’m afraid Daniel LaRusso must fight…
COURT OBSERVER: (whispering) Daniel LaRusso’s gonna fight? Daniel LaRusso’s gonna fight?
PROSECUTOR:… to break the hold Miyagi has over him. Daniel has endured the worst year in the history of adolescence. He has been beaten, dumped, forced to kiss a girl with tongue, dressed up as a shower, and forced to fight to the death! Miyagi, you have broken Daniel in every way an ancient ninja master can break an overly effeminate Italian boy and you must pay your debt to society.
JUDGE: Anything at all to say on your behalf, Mr. Miyagi?
MIYAGI: Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later get squish just like grape.
JUDGE: Bailiff, get the taser.