Alex Downey, B.A. Business Admin ’95. Serves in middle management position. Remembered as the only Alpha Phi Alpha pledge who was not violently ill after swimming through a kiddie pool of vomit. His wife, Jill Downey ‘95, recently left him. He’ll learn of her engagement to Ronald Morgan in spring publication of Alumni Magazine, which is this one. Sorry, Alex. He is currently being treated for clinical depression. He can be found on his brother’s couch under Dorito Jacked Ranch Hot Wings and actual hot wings.
Shannon McDonald, BA, BS, MA, MFA, PhD, JD, Dip. Ed, MBA ‘09. Became Mrs. in ‘11. Mother of Elliot (5), Madison (4), and Bella (3) and “What? Who?” (15 months). In 2016 she went out for some “mama time.” Her husband says, if you find her, please let him know.
Dan Amadeo, Journalism ‘12. Moved to NYC. Wrote a 20,000 word expose on the secret lives of subway rats. Rejected by main, non-mainstream media outlets, zines, facebook and twitter word count, roommate’s email, and his mother’s postal box. Now writes click-bait articles. Click here to find what he’s been up to — you won’t believe it!
Karen Gilbert, BA Creative Writing ‘09. Prior to her current work, she took a full-time position editing technical manuscripts. Each day she entered the building, her soul spun away as she walked through the lobby’s revolving doors. Her daily scream, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” went unheard. She writes copy for alumni magazines. You can find her by following the sound of her weeping.
Ronald Morgan, Computer Engineering ‘95. After a series of rejections from women because he’s an asshole, Ronald focused on his career. He recently became engaged to Jill Downey (sorry again, Alex) after he paid off her student loans. He can be found wearing a nice pair of ironed khakis.
Marnee “I’m with her!” Kent, Poly Sci ‘16, is currently rocking back and forth outside a boarded up campaign headquarters. She uses a SUPER CALLOUS FRAGILE RACIST SEXIST NAZI POTUS sign for a blanket. She has not showered since November 2016.
Max Kennedy, Sales ‘92, says, “Great to see you again! Let me show you some of these great offers we have here today!” He can be found showing you some of his great offers.
James “Jimmy the Strings” Greene, Music Studies ‘09. Former guitarist, founder, and only member of “Experimental Solo Jazz Ensemble.” James works as a Rite Aid night shift manager. Coworkers say his voice cracks every time he says, “You just gotta keep doing what you love, man.” James can be found casually noodling his guitar on the college quad.
Generic Male: Broadcasting, Entertainment, Politics B.C-present, can be found showing you his penis.