• 425 ml of Marley’s Spirit or Dandelion & Burdock Fizz
  • 225 grammes of jellied eel blood (harvested by the muck swallows and mud larks that live under the Thames; if you can’t harvest fresh eel, store-bought is fine)
  • 50 grammes of strong flour
  • 50 grammes of piddling flour
  • 110 grammes of charming foppish stutter
  • 1 ml of dried mayonnaise soaked in Pimms
  • Candied rummy jubblers
  • 225 ml of Posh Spice
  • 110 grammes of London copper saying, “What’s all this then, eh?” (crumbled by hand by a chimney-sweep)
  • 110 grammes of upper lip (stiffened into peaks)
  • Zest of blood sausage
  • 275 ml of bovine spongiform beef suet (In a pinch, Artful Dodger grease will do)
  • A sprinkling of Welsh corgi
  • Sultanas


Known as plum puddly-dunks or Christmas pudding, “figgy” pudding is a traditional British dessert served on Bonfire of St. Clive’s Day. (“Pudding” in the United Kingdom is what “dessert” is called elsewhere. Also, “Figgy” is the same as “blech” to our cousins across-pond.) Many families boast their own recipes, usually made by a coal-dust-stained scullery maid.

Figgy pudding preparations often begin the Sunday before Advent, on “Stir-up Sunday,” when family members take turns between stirring the pudding, tending the fire, and flogging the governess. Figgy pudding requires planning, so start shopping for ingredients at least one month before the anniversary of the first Jack the Ripper murder. Poor ol’ Mary Ann Nichols!

Blitz all ingredients until gross and slightly lumpy. Shape into a bowler hat, then steam at 160 degrees. After the initial steam, the pudding rests for at least three weeks for the flavors to stodge up and get claggy plonks. The pudding can also be made decades in advance, stored in a badger, and reheated before serving. The final cheery presentation consists of drizzling it with liquor and setting it on fire within a traditional pagan Wicker Man before serving to Gran.