Don’t panic, America. Yes, we launched strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities. Yes, technically, that is an act of war. And yes, the rest of the world is currently googling “how to survive World War III.”

But let’s all take a deep breath while the oxygen is still available to us in this pre-fallout world. This was a tactical strike. Tactical. You know, like when a toddler throws a tantrum but only breaks the cheap furniture.

Listen, it’s 2025. We’ve tried diplomacy. We’ve tried economic sanctions. We’ve tried sternly worded emails. But have we tried blowing up underground nuclear-enrichment sites and hoping that leads to de-escalation?

Exactly. Not since the last time we did it.

And that one mostly worked. Except for the part where it didn’t.

Operation Midnight Hammer was a surgical strike, not in the “this will save lives” kind of way, but in the “we used a scalpel to set your house on fire” kind of way. Precision violence is still violence, but it sounds much more manageable when you say it in a calm voice and wear a suit.

Critics will say this could provoke another war in the Middle East. To them, we say: What region hasn’t earned one? The Middle East has had almost two full years of relative stability. Frankly, it was starting to look too suspicious.

And to those claiming we learned nothing from Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, or Libya, we’d like to clarify: We did learn something. We learned how to write better press releases. We learned that you can call a war a “conflict,” and people will stop asking questions after three weeks. And we learned how to make a Pentagon PowerPoint with no exit strategy, just vibes.

Also, this time we’re only using partially outdated intelligence. Which is better than fully outdated intelligence, and certainly better than “vibes only” intelligence, which was the standard from 2003 to 2020.

We’d also like to address the concerns of Americans asking, “Why now?” The answer is simple. The president had a pretty open Saturday. And when you’re a visionary leader with legacy ambitions and a legally dubious second term, you don’t go golfing, you go nation-shaping (and golf afterward). If that shaping involves kinetic force, strategic ambiguity, and a temporary suspension of international law, well, so be it.

Nothing says “stability” like bunker busters.

The strike was necessary. It was measured. It was cool as hell on the FLIR camera feed. And best of all, it was cathartic. Like slamming the microwave door after the popcorn burns. A statement. A vibe shift. A glow-up, if the glow is from enriched uranium storage catching fire.

Look, we’re not saying war is the answer. We’re just saying it’s an answer. One we keep on speed dial. Right between “back-channel diplomacy” and “hope nobody notices.”

And don’t worry—there won’t be a draft. Just vibes. Vibes and targeted aerial democracy. You won’t even feel it unless you’re standing under it.

So what comes next? Hopefully, nothing. But probably everything. Iran has responded as most bombed nations traditionally do. And if the conflict widens, and we end up deploying troops to another endless, chaotic desert campaign to defend Freedom, we’ll be ready. With fresh hot takes, a new round of vaguely imperial op-eds, and the same lack of exit strategy that made America great in the first place.

Because peace isn’t the absence of war.

It’s the presence of an American war.

And this time, we’re really going to get it right.

Just like last time.

And the time before that.

And the time before that.

And whatever time this is.