“Vance says U.S. ‘not at war with Iran, we’re at war with Iran’s nuclear program.’” — NBC News
You heard the news straight from the Neimoidian’s mouth. We, the Trade Federation, have indeed made tactical strikes against the planet of Naboo. We’ve heard through the galactic grapevine that sentient creatures across the galaxy—Outer Rim included—have expressed concerns. And to that we say: Deal with it. Naboo’s brooding has kind of ticked us off; we’ve never really understood them, and they have natural resources we want (their plasma is unparalleled), so really, it was a foregone conclusion. Boom-boom, bang-bang, lasers go zwip-zwip-zwip. Roger-roger: We did the thing, now it’s done, and you’re welcome.
A few years ago, we had a trade deal with Naboo called the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Trade—worst name, the abbreviation is not catchy—and while it wasn’t perfect for each side, we all agreed on it because that’s what civilized planets do. But then Viceroy Nute Gunray came to power and decided, with zero context, that it was quite possibly the worst deal ever digitally penned, if only because his predecessor brokered it (we don’t even remember that guy’s name anymore, we disliked him so much). Now, years later, we’re punishing Naboo because we left that trade deal.
Is this tracking for you? Because it makes perfect sense to us, the ones who are currently blowing things up.
You may have also heard the news that we are trying to assassinate the Queen. These claims are woefully unfounded. The truth is, we have already attempted to assassinate the Queen. We’re just trying to set the record straight. We would have been successful, but they’re all dressing alike with the white face paint and kissy lips, and we blew up the wrong chick. No biggie, we’ll get her next time, you have our slimy, reptilian word. Now, if we’re talking accomplishments, we did want to brag about the fact that we’ve attacked their capital, the seat of their military power. It has been completely obliterated.
Go on, fact-check us, we dare you.
We can very easily explain this violent shift in interplanetary policy; it’s all part of a larger plan to blow more things up and seize power. We were, as of late, bullying planets into trade deals that some have described as “Bantha poo-doo,” but then… that got dull, and we got sick of waiting.
Listen, if we really want to spill some blue milk, our secret patron hates Naboo, too, and we have to back that dude. So, yes, we threw the first—and only—stones, in the shape of droid ships swooping down from the stars.
We still think Naboo needs more of a thrashing, but we’re just waiting to see how they respond. Okay, actually that’s a lie. No matter what they do, whether it’s sending Jedi emissaries (lame) or a completely warranted counter-strike, we’re gonna go all pew-pew-pew, bwowwww force field, Roger-Roger on their well-dressed booties and probably destroy the Gungans—they make us uncomfortable.
Here’s what the broader galactic citizenry isn’t understanding: We are trying to achieve peace… through an ill-advised, unlawful show of strength. Think about it: Why broker peace, when you can give in to your basest urges and plunge a whole system into war?
Okay, wait… that sounded better at our board meeting.