You’re getting married! Congratulations! That’s great. Just great. Great.

Part of you wants to elope, but that’s the stupid part of you! You’ve found your GODDAMN SOULMATE and everyone should know it! So let’s have a fucking wedding!

You’ve picked your dress—well, actually you’ve picked two. One’s a size smaller in case you get too skinny! Ha ha, “too skinny.” Like THAT’S a thing.

Now it’s time to pick your bridesmaid dresses! Since you have eight bridesmaids, obviously not all of them are going to be shaped alike, which is partly your fault for having such disparately sized lady friends and relatives, but also their fault for looking like they do.

Wouldn’t it be great if everyone were 5’9” and a size 4? Well, maybe not that, they sound hot. We don’t want them to look too hot. Let’s look out for Number One here! Ha ha!

That being said, if you have some real uggos in the mix, it’s not out of the question to hire actors to portray your bridesmaids. What?? I’m kidding! (But if you want to, there’s a great casting agency I can get you in touch with).

The point is, how do you pick a dress that will look good on all of the BM’s?

A knee length black cocktail dress looks good on everyone, and it might be nice if you just told your bridesmaids that they could buy whatever black cocktail dress they’d like. That way they can set their own budget and get a dress that they’d actually wear again.

Of course that was a joke, no fucking way are you doing that. This is your wedding for god’s sake, not some three ring loosey-goosey circus.

Take your bridesmaids dress shopping. If they live on the other side of the country, well then tough cookies, they’ll have to deal with whatever you choose. Speaking of cookies, tell your bridesmaids to stop eating them.

(Bridesmaids Casting Agency hires directly from Southern sororities, FYI. The good-looking ones.)

Find the perfect dress: A blush colored strapless column gown featuring an asymmetrical draped bobbin net bodice and flowing sash by Vera Wang. Yes, it’s expensive, but surely your BEST FRIENDS and FAMILY are happy to shell out for you, you’re getting married! You know who else gets married? Celebrities! You’re like a celebrity!

Assure your bridesmaids that even though the blush color highlights sweat stains and the wires of the bodice dig into their chest and armpits, they will totally wear this dress again to black tie events held at libraries and various bridesmaid themed costume parties.

When your bridesmaids refuse to spend a grand on their dresses, because they are ungrateful BITCH MAIDS, begin to cry and plead. This dress is really important to you! You would do it for them!

When they point out that they have already spent more than a grand each on your bachelorette party in Cabo and their gift to you of monogrammed luggage, not to mention the expense of the hotel for your actual wedding, look them straight in the eye and tell them that they are fired. Fired from being your bridesmaids and from your friendship. FOREVER.

Then pick up the phone and call Bridesmaids Casting Agency.