First, take your finest sequin suit and shrink it in the dryer so that it is at least two sizes too small. Don’t scrimp and shrink your second-finest sequin suit, as the crowd will immediately recognize this and turn on you. Then strip down nude and rub yourself all over with bear fat. You may either purchase the bear fat from a Native American or kill your own bear. Having a bear-fat-lubed body will be helpful when you ease into your shrunken sequin suit. More importantly, the smell of bear fat will intimidate the bull, though not too much, just enough for him to know that he is facing a worthy foe, for the bear and the bull are natural enemies.
Then you must fashion a tiny bullfighting hat, or montera, though people usually just call it a “monty.” The monty should be made out of Teflon and then covered with black velvet. This obviously serves both a protective and a decorative purpose. The top of your head will be completely protected and you will look both stylish and wealthy. So, for example, if you feel as though you cannot get out of the way in time to avoid the bull’s deadly horns, lower your head so that the horn strikes your monty. The bull’s horn will probably bend back comically, and the crowd will collectively gasp in awe at the godlike hardness of your head and murmur to each other, “La cabeza del matador es muy fuerte!,” not knowing that the credit belongs to your monty. Then they will laugh at the sight of the bull’s now inverted horn, which will look doubly as amusing next to his normal one. Animals can sense when they’re being laughed at, and this will embarrass and weaken the bull.
You also have to make a red cape, or capote, named after the author of the same name. Remember: Only one side should be red, so as to control and confuse the bull. The other side can be any fabric you choose, provided it isn’t red—maybe a nice toile. Right now you’re probably thinking, “Hey, what’s with all the fashioning of hats and capes and such! I’m no seamstress! I’m a bullfighter!” Right you are, mi amigo, but as Benjamin Franklin so famously said, “A matador must be as deft with Teflon and toile as he is with his toro.” Keep Honest Ben in mind when such gripes come into your head while you’re sewing your capote and velvetizing your monty.
Anyway, the bull thinks that the red side of your capote is blood, and they love to eat blood, which is why they charge at the red side of the capote with such frenzy. It is also why they are called the vampiros of the animal world. You should wear a crucifix around your neck as a last resort in case you can’t bow your head in time to protect yourself with the Teflon monty. If this should occur, whip out your crucifix and the bull will stop dead in its tracks, put its two front hooves to its mouth, and shriek with dread.
At some point, you’re going to have to kill the bull with a sword. You should probably use an ancestral sword that’s been blessed by a priest or a shaman or a druid, because with your lack of sword skills you’re going to need some holiness/magic on your side. The sword will guide itself toward the beast’s heart and, once it strikes the bull, both the bull and the sword will immediately dissolve into sand, which is why bullrings, or plaza de toros, are covered with sand.
Now you have to say a prayer over the pile of sand that was once the bull in order to honor your brave adversary. It should be in acrostic-poem form, of course, and go something like this:
Understand that I
Like bulls but I
Love killing them more than I like them,
although I seriously did like you. Amen.
The bull’s ghost will understand this and respect your honesty and it will not haunt you. If you fail to say the acrostic prayer, the bull will most certainly terrorize you from the afterlife for the rest of your days.
One more thing: You’re going to have to fight the entire match with a thorny long-stemmed rose clutched between your teeth, so when you practice you should hold one in your mouth at all times. That way, you will build up the necessary calluses to protect you from the thorns, which could otherwise be a painful distraction during the match.
Feel free to keep these instructions hidden in your sequin suit’s breast pocket for reference. Olé!