In these tough economic times, it makes sense to save what little money you have. I bet no one has ever told you that. That wasn’t very nice of them. They probably want all of your money for themselves. A lot of people want your money, especially those fat cats on Wall Street and cab drivers who insist that you pay even if there was nothing good on Taxi TV. But other people want your money too. In fact, everyone does.

First tip for saving money: When someone comes up to you on the street and says, “Give me all of your money,” instead of saying “Sure” say, “No way, Jose!” Then they’ll be like, “H-how did you k-know my name?” And they’ll run away. You still have your money!

Second tip for saving money is to prioritize. Do you really need toilet paper when you have paper towels? Do you really need more underwear? What is the point of it, really? Do you really need a winter coat when it’s just going to be summer again in six months? Is that prescription medicine necessary? You do know that most medicines are placebos anyway, right? Nothing an apple and a beer can’t fix! Trust me, I’m a doctor. A doctor of savings!

Third tip for saving money: Pay special attention to how much you waste everyday. Why are you throwing away the ends of the loaves of bread? Are they are any less delicious? Actually, that’s true. They are less delicious. Someone should make loaves of bread that don’t have the annoying end pieces. Actually, don’t steal that idea, that’s mine.

Fourth tip for saving monies is to put aside a set amount of money every week into a piggy bank. Well, this is not really to save money, after all, only loose change fits into a piggy bank and piggy banks are only so big. Well, it could add up if you’re collecting pounds or Spanish galleons, but—let’s be honest—you’re not. No, this is for when you can’t afford that trip to Vegas or Atlantic City (why would you want to go there—sorry that’s your business) and you can take a hammer to the piggy bank and when all the coins spill out it’ll be like you won the slot machine! If you invest in enough piggy banks you can do this lots of times! Piggy banks cost money though.

You know what else I could do with the loaves of bread without the annoying ends idea? I could use all the annoying ends that I don’t use and compile them together to make a complete loaf and sell them to the weirdos that like that part of the bread. That’s economic and it’s a brilliant business plan. Seriously, if I go to a grocery store and see that someone has done this before me and I will be really upset.

Like, super upset.

The fifth and final tip for saving money is to not make a lot of money. That way, even the little that you save is a bigger percentage of what you have, as opposed to if you were a really rich person. If I had millions of dollars, let me tell you I’d be blowing through that in my private jet pretty quickly. Being poor makes you more fiscally responsible. So, for example, when people ask me, at cocktail functions and such, how much money I’ve saved, I say, “80 percent of my income,” which is true. And that makes me feel more secure. I can dip into that one hundred dollars in change (and I mean literally in change, not like one hundred dollars give or take) in my twelve piggy banks at time. I’m doing the responsible thing. Are you?